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Originally Posted by Delay_Reaction
Thank you Luminaries for your well thought out reply. I really do appreciate what you have to say.
I'm really confused about this whole situation as it continues to take some weird turns.
Communication with my TF has become so strange and completely erratic.
I am basically ignoring her, and only respond to her when she contacts me on social media (about once a week).
When we see each other (and she's with someone), I ignore her and treat her like she's not even in the room. Again, she's the one who comes up to me to say hello as I do not go to her.
Yesterday, this exact situation happened. We were at the same place at the same time. She came up to me at the end of the night to say hello.
Today, we had a brief chat and she said that she was literally shaking and sweating at the thought of talking to me last night. But in the end, she did. She said she could feel my energy in the room and it was attracting her like crazy, yet she could also feel the wall I had put up between us. She came up to me anyway. I told her that if she had come up to me earlier in the evening, I would have told her to go away.
She is totally incapable of staying away.
When I send her a loving message, she ignores my message completely.
When I shut her out of my life and ignore her, she comes back.
She even thanked me for giving her the opportunity to speak to me after I was basically ignoring her all evening. She even called me a beautiful and loving soul.
I have no idea what is going on anymore.
The person I fell in love with is behaving in such an erratic fashion. I really do not want to enable any more of this strange behavior... but I'm unsure of what to do at this point. She simply will not go away until she gets what she wants.
I've built up a pretty big wall over the last few weeks. She seems eager to chip away at it.
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Delay, hello there
I get this situation is difficult. But you have to live with yourself and you need to find a way to do this with dignity and character.
Currently with all this push/pull you are doing to her...(and she likewise to you)...
You are displaying classic avoidant attachment behaviour and she is seeing it as a rejection, hence a challenge. The whole thing is unhealthy. Avoidant attachment is a close cousin of narcissism and again, only those avoidants who want to change are ever successful at modifying their behaviour. I suggest you not get sucked down into this path...it is toxic for you and will destroy any chance you have at finding and keeping any authentic love in your life.
Being an avoidant is characterized by extreme mind screwage and inconsistent behaviour, i.e., hot/cold. You are hot (loving message) when she's distant and when she's close, you pointedly ignore her. I realise she's doing the same thing. You are two avoidants (or, you are acting as if you are)...GOOD LUCK with that unsustainable relationship LOL...
Avoidants ideally need an anxious type of co-dependent who is always trying to please and will put up with their **** when avoidants are in the "cold phase" and turn cold & cruel to those who have tried to get close after the avoidant allowed them to approach ("hot phase"). Avoidants dish out abuse to whomever will take it (the codependent), because
avoidants are incapable of sustaining intimacy with others and so they traumatise others instead of dealing with their own problems. Two avoidants will never make it because the toxicity levels are too consistently high.
This is my recommendation...don't adopt toxic personality styles just because she is deep into it in this way and in other ways. Don't let her extreme behaviour and serious issues infect you. Deciding who you really are and what you will or won't do is absolutely a part of setting healthy boundaries. If this isn't you then drop it immediately, and be sure to establish firm boundaries with her such that you let her know the hot/cold behavior is hurtful to you and that you need to avoid it (no pun intended).
So what she does next is up to her, but
at least she'll know that you're not going to respond to petty or blatant cruelty, nor to intermittent reward (hot/cold) -- all of which is the stuff of professional torturers throughout history BTW. In order to guarantee you never become accustomed to the pain but rather instead always feel it most keenly.
Intermittent reinforcement is, due to its sheer inconsistency, the most effective form of physical, mental, and emotional torture known (per behavioural psychologists) for breaking the spirit and training the subject to obey the whims of the torturer.
AND nor will you be dishing out...that's called integrity. She's going to have to learn to be consistent and honest and direst with you too...or you'll end up having to severely minimise contact with her. Not that you don't love you...that's truly beside the point. Loving is not just a feeling. More than anything else, loving is a verb. It is a doing and a being. And you get to decide that no, avoidant hot/cold behaviour is not loving for you, and that no thanks, you won't be signing on for more of that.
First...IMO you'll have to give up on the romantic/sexual partnership idea. Then, you need to decide if you want her friendship in your life. If yes, you need to establish strong boundaries for your own well-being. But you should always be direct and courteous.
Meaning, say (here's my suggestion, just to give an idea...), if you don't want to engage with her whilst she's out with her sexual flavour of the week or month, then greet her briefly, and let her know you two can catch up some other time when she's able to meet you for a coffee (not a drink....). And tell her generally no judgment but that you don't have a lot of free time, so you prefer to spend time around her when it's just her and you two can catch up (whilst she's sober and not on the make etc.). Be sure to meet in public and avoid private situations where she could liquor you up or put the moves on you...classic narcisstic behaviour btw, manipulating others for sex and control. Instead, this is you a friend just honestly expressing where you're at and what you can do.
This is always better than ignoring her or being petty in public, just because you (understandably) don't like the situation. Instead, have a plan, tell her directly, and then you know what to do when you see her out with her interchangeable sex partners. You'll begin to realise you're stronger than you know and you'll realise you don't have to rise to her manipulations, nor dish them out in return. You'll be giving yourself love in action, and you'll likewise be modeling love in action to her. We are how we treat each other (and ourselves), as the song says.
Peace & blessings
7L