Gerrygirl.. I've had time to read the rest of your post now.

Can I ask, have you had any therapy for what you went through in your childhood? It seems you still have a lot of wounds from that. I really think that is something you would benefit from. I had talk therapy for the effects of my abusive first boyfriend. It really did help me. Maybe you could trade with someone, maybe not talk based therapy, but something to help you deal with those wounds.

Secondly, you say you are doing a course in flower remedies, are you not able to apply what you are learning to your situation? I am a Bach Practitioner and I could see a number of remedies from that range that would help you. If it's Bach you're doing and you have remedies I can happily help you pick out some that will help. However, I also have to ask, if you can't afford to feed yourself how have you managed to pay for the course?

Finally, to recap on what I said earlier, I really think you need to put yourself first. I can imagine that what you went through as a child has damaged your self-esteem. This is one of the aspects of the self that allows us to look after ourselves... if that is wounded then working on that will help.

Do you believe in affirmations and the law of attraction? These things might help you work on manifesting what you need. If your focus is on how terrible things are (which is quite understandable) you won't be manifesting what you need. Maybe look into these concepts and see if they will help.

There is stuff you can do about this, and some of it won't cost you a lot, if anything. But you need to want to do these things and make changes. As you say, you can't carry on as you are, so you have 2 choices, give up.. or make changes. Change is hard, it can be difficult to accept that maybe there is a better way to be/think/act than you are at the moment, but maybe it will bring about amazing changes in your life.

From my experience the people that have great lives have a great attitude to life. It's not necessarily about what they have in a material way, it's how they view what they do have rather than what they don't have.

Good luck Gerrygirl and please pop in and let us know how you are getting on.