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And
And I’m angry that I’m hurting. The pain of not having him has returned and I wasn’t event looking for it. I wasn’t focused on him at all. And suddenly after this dream I am accutely aware of how we are not talking. About how he rejected me over and over. About how he chose repeatedly to be without me and to be with another. I already knew that life was flat and dull after TF, but suddenly I’m awakened to the contrasts, once more. In the dream I felt what it COULD be like, now I’m back to what is. And I’m painfully reminded WHY: because TF doesn’t want to be in my life. Because I wanted it and he didn’t. Because this love is one-sided. Because I’m a fool. Because who i am was not good enough for him. Because he didn’t feel what I felt. Then I remember the album. How he wrote about me. How he talked about crying and bleeding so much that he wanted me to come back and kill him. How he talked about drowning. How he said my name. How he released it on my birthday. It wasn’t one-sided, so what was it? Why is this so confusing? Why can’t I settle on any single thought or explanation for how things are and try to accept it? Why am I even thinking about this today? Because my guides orchestrated this. And it’s torture. Feeling separated, feeling unworthy, and feeling like I’m going to obsess until I can figure it all out, but I never do. I never do. And the feelings never go away, because of things like that dream today. I am lost in this.
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