I have taken these principles out for a bit of a spin. For the most part it has been brilliant. I’ll start by saying that. A friend of mine made a statement in our online group that hit a nerve with me. It was said to everyone, but it was an insult that applied to a large number of people including me whether he was thinking of me at the time or not. I felt hurt, because he knows it applies to me for one thing and it was unreasonable for another. He was arguing with someone who had a controversial viewpoint and insulting her profusely and included statements that negatively judged everyone who was not speaking up to throw insults at this girl and everyone who doesn’t speak up to throw insults at people like her in general.

If I were someone who had never been hurt by a person who wanted me to hate and insult the people he hates before I would have had a different perspective. This friend is not someone who would want to be hurtful towards me and he wasn’t very serious about this. But I was quite disturbed. Some very old wounds were irritated and I started to fear that he is like those others who had hurt me in the past, which is what I always wonder when someone does something that reminds me of them. I was angry that he would try to shame people, including me, into throwing profane insults at someone because he felt offended by her. I did speak up to say, without profanity, that they are both being illogical idiots. Then I later told him in private that I don’t share her controversial viewpoint. It took some bravery for me to start that conversation. I was still afraid that this guy would be doing a complete 180 in his behaviour towards me like others in the past have done. I fretted about it, then consulted my cards. Then when we chatted he was acting like his normal self towards me.

I still felt bothered by the whole thing. We became friends because I thought he accepted me the way I am. Now the way I am is not okay because I don’t like to swear at people he doesn’t like and verbally attack them? I was trying to figure out how seriously to take that and feeling confused and hurt. So I tried to apply some of these principles to the situation. Hurting people hurt others. This girl’s own insults weren’t the problem. It was the controversy involving a sensitive topic and her willful ignorance of how her viewpoint is disrespectful towards a large number of grieving people. I won’t go into detail. My friend doesn’t know how personally I take it when someone in any way sounds like they are trying to get me to become a weapon for them. He just knows he wanted more people to join him. He’s not fully aware of what he’s doing or why it is a problem. I could feel a bit less angry and hurt when focusing on that.

Then I tried to deal with my own ancient wounds. I couldn’t get very far with that except to spend some time thinking about the function they serve. I want to never again get close enough to the type of person who would inflict wounds like this on anyone. They have a supernatural quality in mind, like Harry Potter’s scar that throbs with pain when He Who Shall Not be Named is near. My friends actually did avoid saying the name of one of these guys. We’d say You Know Who instead or something. The name was censored on one of their forums. His personality is very much like Voldemort’s, as that character was modeled after the same personality disorder. I want these wounds healed, and my conscious efforts have gone towards this, but part of me is afraid that if they are gone it will be easier for the dark lords of the world to get near me and just inflict me with a new wound. That’s when I wonder if I have to heal this first or if I can become unhurtable first. Thinking about these things could bring me closer to the answer, but I still don’t know.

That’s also when I encounter a problem with the message that people choose to be hurt. It is not freeing for me. I know others find it to be for some reason. But for me it is a roadblock. I wonder “Why would I choose to be hurt? That’s not what I want. What is wrong with me that I would choose that? And why can’t I just stop then? What’s wrong with me that I can’t just stop?” It is the opposite of progress. I didn’t get past this thing that is a road block for me until I examined it enough to decide that it is not true in my opinion and I’m better off not believing it. It’s like saying people choose to fall down when they slip on some ice. Nobody chooses that. They’re not trying to fall down. It happens because they don’t see the ice, or they don’t have enough skill at sliding along without falling, or their shoes don’t have enough traction. It’s not what they are choosing to do. They are trying to stay upright. If they could use a different route with no ice on the path or they were practiced enough to slide along without falling that’s what they would do. But not everyone is able to do that.

Being hurt isn’t what people choose. Nobody would choose that if they were aware that not being hurt is an option and able to make use of that option. When someone tries to hurt another, they aren’t just handing that poison arrow over so that the recipient can plunge it into their own chest. They throw those arrows at a speed faster than would allow most people to get out of the way or catch it in mid-air. The ultimate solution is a matrixesque revelation that there is no arrow and no chest for it to plunge into, which is an enlightenment that few are ever able to achieve. Most people don’t even know that reaching this level of enlightenment is an option for them, and even those that do will not get there overnight. In the meantime, we are not deciding to let those arrows penetrate us. They hit us because we haven’t yet become able to fully prevent this. But if we believe that it is a choice anyway, that can complicate things. It can lead to confusing questions that have no answer because their premise is not entirely sound. I know some people benefit from believing it, but self-blame is an issue for me so it doesn’t work well with that. I might not be the only one like this.

I don’t mean to sound too critical. Really, it’s generally a quite helpful set of principles. I’m just sharing my experiments with them.