Necromancer, IamNemo, (its "Omen" backwards right?)
I dont have words, that could thank you both. There is a lot to think about here....and/or meditate on.
IamNemo, it is NOT natural for me to play for others. and even for myself. This is not flowing like water. It is in fact one of the reasons I am questioning it. Because it is so unnatural for me to do, it is fighting my nature. I never had a stage career because of my phobia, not just stage fright but literally a phobia. I would say thats about against my nature as possible. as has been said, I thought maybe doing nothing for time, might create that vacuum. which would attract that which i love to do that comes naturally. because i know two things about my nature-1. i dont like doing nothing all the time, and 2. I dont like doing things all the time unless it was something I like/love doing, which I have not found yet if that makes sense...ugh.
Thats where I am at. I do not really want to play any more. as a player im ok, maybe good, but not great. I wanted to be able to give expression to what i played. But I will never be that good. thats a cold truth. I am however ok with this truth. its just not my path, or it would all come with ease. and your correct I wouldn't question it.
Ill be vulnerable here again.
I feel like, I have either missed my calling, or I have not found it yet. I am almost 50. time is running out. I am a very aware person. I do not fall asleep any more. I went through a great change this winter a permanent awakening. I am not boasting. I am one of those people who knows who they are. I am very observant, and self aware. I have a powerful compassion for all life- because I suffer, I easily understand others that others suffer too. i cannot kill even an insect. I hate driving because I dont like killing the bugs or anything else I might accidently hit. I have went through many experiences of connection to nature so profound it left me changed and I did not seek them out. but I do not fit in anywhere. I have not found my place in the field. I have been saying lately, a line from the green mile...
"Im tired boss"
so the tao, right now for me, is to do nothing in hopes that a vacuum can be created then filled. I am greatful for the input so far. there is a LOT of stuff to sift through in whats been said on this thread so far, and I am dearly greatful...my "way" is not balanced, and I have no idea how to solve that. It is back to that, I cant do nothing but nothing is all i can do. I will take some time to go over all that has been said...