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Originally Posted by shivatar
I'm still going through hell. It's very bad right now. Feels like there is a war going on inside of me and my self is being assaulted on all sides. Part of me want's to be sad and full of grief about how bad things are. Maybe then I would be more motivated to do something. Another part of me wants to keep going through this hell. Not in a demented self-torturing kind of way. In a psychotic adventurer kind of way, reckless but not self-destructive.
It took a lot before I gave my attention to Lord Shiva. I think Lord Shiva dearly loves me. Why else would he put so much effort into creating a connection with me, a connection I never wanted but accepted once offered. For a long time I spent my life thinking I deserved great pain, so much that I didn't ask for help from anybody, not even Shiva. I was so willing to sacrifice my life for nothing that Shiva himself stopped me. I felt his arm but I didn't see anything that clearly said it was Shiva. Who else would it be though. Nobody else has the power to reach across dimensions and pull my energy body from my physical body then show me visions about the universe.
Lord Shiva is great, and patient, and forgiving. I am a very poor devottee. Not committed, not dedicated, full of wasted potential. But Shiva bends the rules for me and allows me certain things I haven't earned. I think Lord Shiva is flirting with me, trying to woo me into being his devotee. For the life of me I can't figure out why I don't just committ. Who else could I be waiting for... what else could I want...
Maybe it's high time I took the advice to just surrender. Focus only on Shiva, and let go of everything else. My need for answers doesn't come out of surrender, it comes out of fear that comes before surrender.
Let go Shivatar, Let go. For the love of everyone, just let go. I will be there for you.
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I've looked up a little information on Shiva Bhakta. It means a devotee of Lord Shiva right? Would you please tell me what that means to you personally?
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Yeah, that is what it means.
All that being a Shiva Bhakta means to me personally is that I love Lord Shiva, nothing more or less than that.
I'm a poor devotee as well, I'm not regular in my prayers and worship, I have some bad habits too, but yeah, Shiva bends the rules for the sake of his devotees. He lets us all come to Him in our own time and in our own way. He's pretty much known for it.
Now, you need to become aware of His love for you, but allowing yourself to feel it is the next thing and nothing bad happens to you when you surrender your heart.
The fear you feel is just the ego putting up a fight. The ego doesn't want this to happen because it likes being in control, it likes being the centre of your mind's attention.
Do you have a 'special place'? a place where you feel comfortable or at peace? It may be a park, a beach, in the bush, even at home?
How I like making the connection with Shiva is under a crescent moon, in the night sky (there's a beautiful one out right now), under all the stars and galaxies I look up...I feel my total abject insignificance...here I am, a speck of a soul on a tiny rock in the middle of all of
that.
Then, I just start to pray and when I pray, I don't hold it back. I let my ego take a back-seat for a while...oh yeah, you never lose it! but I just go to my 'special place' and look up...and under the night sky, I open myself up to the glory of it all...the wonderment of the universe and I see the crescent moon...I see it in my Lord's hair, being the strings of quanta holding everything together...
So, I open up as much as I can and I feel that power inside me that you can also feel and I let it also co-relate to the force/power outside me, that dances naked across the fabric of space/time and I feel so humble, so peaceful and I allow myself to say these words at a deep level; "I love you, Shiva".
It may sound a bit absurd at first to your mind/ego, but ignore that and try and feel what your words are really expressing...what they really mean to you and your position in the universe as you acknowledge the power and force behind everything...just open up, give yourself permission to feel His love and go "I love you" and sink into that, into what it is you are feeling at the time, then you'll find the more love you feel, the deeper you will feel it, leading to you feeling more love.
If you are a visual or auditory person, you may use 'cues' to help you get in touch with what is in your heart as the core of the universe, be it pictures/images of Shiva or a nice Bhajan (devotional song) a Mantra like Aum Namah Shivaya. Whenever you remember it, just say "Aum Namah Shivaya". You don't have to chant rounds and rounds of it every day, just saying it a few times with focused love and devotion is enough.
You don't have to pray to Shiva every day, but just once a week will do, or whenever you allow yourself to let go and feel him inside...see Him outside.
This is why Shiva is called Bholenath (simple worship) and Asutosha (easily satisfied). It doesn't take rocket science or study of the scriptures to love and pray to Him and there's really no set way to do so either. He asks of his devotees nothing but love - and I mean the Aghoris offer Him meat, scotch and ganja and He'll take that...He also likes to toke weed Himself I hear, so He's pretty cool that way.
This is just to illustrate how approachable He is though, doing whatever we do and liking whatever we like for our own sake, but the other side of Him is the power that lives within us and the force that bends time and reality...creates and explodes stars...goes dancing sky-clad throughout the universe to the beat of His cosmic drum. Shiva is the perfect being and the perfect non-being. Everything we see, everything we feel is Shiva and what happens on the surface of our lives is only the veil of Maya...His Shakti that separates us from Him.
Your fear, your ego, your world...it's all an illusion in the grand scheme of things, in that place where the 'big picture' matters and Shiva is the master painter of it, using sacred geometry and mathematics to do so.
To me, Bhakti means acknowledging Shiva with love, both inside and out and realising this is who I am, what I believe in despite my belief in it, this is my soul-path to love and worship Him and this is my calling to be in service to Him, whatever he have me do - but He's not forthcoming about that most of the time. lol
I hope you can make the connection. Your ego is gonna fight you all the way there, give you hell and it's a real baptism of fire, but once the first teardrop falls, that's all it takes.
Aum Namah Shivaya