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Since you're spiritual, you should talk to your spirit guides about this and receive clarification of what you're supposed to be doing here. It sounds like you're existing far from that spiritual guidance, far from your intuition. If you don't know what your mission is, it's possible that it changed and you need to readjust, and it's time to do a lot of soul-searching and communicate to your higher self/spirit guides or whatever it is that you believe in.
It's obvious that you're not supposed to leave here. You do have a mission here, you just don't see it.
It sounds like you may be struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts, so I also recommend reconnecting with your spirituality and also finding a good therapist that is open to talking about spiritual related things or at least doing self work and asking yourself why you feel the way you do.
It might be easier said than done, but it's obvious that one goal that you need to learn is to ground yourself.
Once we become spiritual, it's important for us to stay grounded or else we go insane. To be enlightened, we must be spiritual and also grounded to truly feel bliss and enjoyment of life.
Enlightenment isn't depressing. It sounds like you've become so ungrounded that you've become disconnected from mind, body and spirit.
So I also suggest learning grounding techniques, and look into Buddhist meditation instead of the meditations you're doing, because Buddhist meditation will teach you how to live in the moment and enjoy what is around you.
The pursuit of happiness (in money and relationships and anything outside of yourself) is also a sign that we are miserable, and haven't realized that happiness comes from within. That misery is usually a product of "the empty void within ourselves" and that empty void is just disconnection from Source. So as spiritual as you say you are, it's possible that you are lacking in faith and perhaps you need to reignite your faith and reconnect to your spirituality so you aren't feeling so empty, with this need to search for something else.
I'm sure you know... it's not right to run away from your problems (you are trying to run away from your body and everything on earth, which is probably the biggest example of that). Face your shadows and what is bothering you. It takes courage and lots of self-work.
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