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Originally Posted by OEN34
Many people split up then attempt to rekindle as there's an attachment there to that person, emotionally, psychologically and physically. You have a bond so it is as you say familiar, and you're also in your comfort zone with one another not having to start the process again with pastures new.
Telling yourself you can't remove emotions from the situation is always going to allow them to remain. The Universe didn't tell you to connect emotionally, either. This was a conscious choice you made. You became attached and as a result had expectations of a family unit.
Attachments and expectations can leave someone's world completely shattered, I have seen it time and time again and it isn't pleasant. I'm not saying shut down and close the door away from the world (and him) as that is the wrong thing to do and will not release emotions. It takes time and work - a lot of inner work. Learn acceptance and forgiveness, this will definitely help. Self love, too. This is huge.
You're right; it isn't for you to steer his ship and tell him what he can and cannot do, so you accepted that and made the right choice in saying that, so fair play to you. But, following up by saying you told him how it would make you feel obviously isn't genuine acceptance and is an attempt to make him feel guilty, whether you are consciously aware of that or not.
A situation or person cannot or does not make you feel anything, it is your choice to react that way. I don't mean to sound harsh here, I'm trying to remove this veil you have on as you're feeling sorry for yourself and you aren't this person, you're more than this and you know it.
My advice (for what it's worth) would be to tell him you need space and to focus on you, while he does his thing. Remaining in contact probably won't benefit you both right now and whatever happens in the future, happens.
So, no more pity party's, no more self-sabotaging talks and no ill feelings towards this chap. A core thing that needs working on is your attachment to others or situations, which is a fear of loss and abandonment. Heal yourself and watch how much you flourish. And yes, keep giving yourself a pat on the back for how much progress you have already made! Be delicate on yourself.
A better you is not far away, and a relationship that is in alignment with this new you is on its way, too.
Best wishes.
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I get what you're saying about feelings but I have these feelings. I'm feeling them right now. that's a simple fact. I'm not going to push them down and ignore them, I believe in sitting with one's feelings. processing them, and moving through them given appropriate time.
I'm not sure I believe the feelings that developed were a conscious choice. does everyone in the universe choose to fall in love every time it happens? I just don't think so. I wouldn't say I had an expectation.... just a hope.
yeah obviously I'm not yet in a place of 100% acceptance. that would be an unreasonable expectation.
I agree that my feelings are my own responsibility. I say what you've said to me to people all the time. but that doesn't mean I can just flip a switch to change my feelings from sad to happy unfortunately.
I'm not going to cut him off, as he is my friend and I intend to continue to support him on his journey, not to mention being a big part of his son's life. he will always be in my life because I will never not be in his kid's life. him and his family are like family to me regardless of the particular label placed on our relationship.