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Originally Posted by AngelofRabbits
Hello. My name is Haley, but please call me Samara (I don't like my human name very much). I'm an Earth Angel. I just found out from my dad the night I turned 16 which was in June. I've learned to accept this, although I keep falling in and out of this violent and negative mind state. When I fall, I feel like I should be a demon, not an angel. I think horrible things and cut myself off from the Angelic Realm. I often have cravings for things of vice like alcohol and cigarettes. It's almost like I have a split personality! I've learned that beings like me are very sensitive to this kind of stuff and will end up doing these sort of things at least once while they're human, but I want to know how I can protect myself from this. It's already gotten me into a mental ward and therapy. I don't want to have that happen again. Any advice?
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Sounds to me like your problem is a bit more complex than just staying out of a negative mental state. A lot of people try to do that - I tried too - until I learned that you need the negatives as much as the positives for your growth and balance. Part of being human is dealing with the negative, unpleasant feelings - the hate, grief, anger, self loathing and the evil inside you. You can't avoid it. If you push it down, it'll come back up at a time in your life when you're stressed and overwrought (when you get married, when you lose a loved one, have a baby, break up with someone!) and it'll be more destructive for having been ignored.
I'm an incarnated angel. Once I thought that meant I should gravitate towards all things bright and beautiful and I got very confused when I still loved sex, booze and rock 'n' roll! I still hated people and wanted my revenge for personal wrongs done. I thought I was sent here by accident and I should strive to be more angel than human. It took me a long time to figure out that I was sent here to be human. Not angel. If my job was to be all angel, I'd still be upstairs on my cloud.
My advice goes thus; don't try to stay out of the negatives. Let them swallow you whole, then seek the medical help you clearly need. If you've been on a ward then there's obviously serious darkness inside you, which needs healing properly, not suppressing under light and love.
I've spent nearly 7 years chasing light and love with an angel speaking 24/7 in my ear, only to learn that when you find it, it pushes you right back into your grief, fear and trauma, to heal yourself.
You say you feel like a split personality. I promise you, I'm as much a demon as an angel. ALL angels are, even the archangels. If the inner demon didn't exist for us, we'd have no concept of the psychological reality humans face.
Half of me lives in bliss, constantly, consciously connected to God. That half can see through our reality like it's made of tracing paper. The other half is more evil than you can imagine. My power comes from accepting, loving and balancing those two halves, never from fighting or suppressing them.
So I think you should stop resisting. Smoke and drink, and do lighter, brighter things when the need arises. Above all, resolve to remain alive and healthy, even if that means going back to the GP or taking a bunch of awful pills or spending time in therapy (been there, done both, lol!)
Our vices are just ways we try to self medicate, because of psychological pain. Sometimes it's wiser to medicate than it is to try and fight the tiger with your bare hands. In time, with medical help, most people learn to tame the tiger, and the vices becomes intermittent indulgences that do no harm ;)
If I were you, I'd do it in this order; mental health, physical health, social health, spiritual health.