[jimrich]

Hi: I was going to let this all go but somethings in your post caught my eye so here goes............

Originally Posted by Sarah007

Thank you all for your interesting answers. When I read all this, I found a bit of everything that I am going through.
For example, like you Jim,I also had a rotten childhood, with no schoolfriends (they liked more bulling me), no brothers or sisters. Lets say I had a loveless youth, no hugs and so on. I felt already lonely, I spent a lot of time in my room. I saw that there was no love between my parents.

I see a lot of pain there. Not sure if its repressed pain but bordering on trauma in my mind.

But the essential answer was also, learn selflove. And that is so difficult, because then I say: how can I do this when I never received anything?

LOL this is the part that stopped me!
Emmanuel tells nearly everyone about "self love" and offers a few methods to learn how to "love" your self. Psychology offers many techniques and methods to learn self love, one being the mirror technique in which you get before a mirror and compliment any and all of your features in the mirror and repeatedly confirm that you LOVE yourself - just as you are.
We are warned that a part of us will fight with and deny these efforts but we can find self love if we have the guts to stay with it until the negative voice (of one of our parents) stops telling us that we "don't deserve love, are to stupid, fat, bad, etc. to be loved" and whatever other loveless messages sick others shoved inside of us at an early age. The issue is to overcome and turn off the LYING voices and memories that are hiding within us and telling us NOT TO LOVE our self. "Oh, that's vain! You can't love your self! You don't deserve love! Who do you think you are? Your way to ugly, fat, stupid, wrong, bad, sinful, etc., etc., etc."
When I told my Christian brother about the song: "I love myself the way I am", he went berserk and loudly said, "You can't love your self! Only god can love you!!!!" I just laughed in his ignorant face!
Self love is about the only solution for being robbed of our natural and normal ability to love our self by frightened or JEALOUS others when we were little and had no defense. IMO, self love is the single most needed yet missing element of earth life and most if not all evil, crime and naughtiness comes from NOT loving our selves or others.

And on the other hand, I am kind and friendly, even to those who are cold and not nice to me. Someday, someone was not friendly to me, and the woman next to me said, why did not you say something back to that '*******' (sorry). Well, if he wants to treat people like this, I am not going to do what he does. I do not want to be an ******* too. She did not know what to say on that.

She probably thought you were either a coward or insane for not fighting back as culture generally teaches us to do.

It is just not my style to become an angry person, no matter what they did or said.
And it is very right what I read here, never get angry at a person who has nothing to do with it, because if someone else hurt you, be angry at the perpetrator, not on someone innocent.

I'm glad that can see the wisdom in that. Most folks believe we have to forgive and just move on but they will take their anger out on whoever or whatever is handy in the moment of their own RAGE.
Best wishes,
jim