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Sparrow, reading you is like reading stuff I always knew with my heart but couldn't believe fully until you wrote in a such a coherent way that my head could accept it. I remember when my grandparents died as a child I'd by reflex think "oooh they know what I'm doing/thinking now'
Also, I resonate so much when you say that suffering is unnecessary. It feels like I have been railing against this all my life because the belief is everywhere. Everyone seems so proud of the fact that they're tough enough to bare this life which just 'has' to be horrible. I couldn't understand why they didn't rail against it as I did. Maybe I was just overly sensitive or narcissistic enough to cling to my 'right' not to suffer or something. Even when I met a very deep perceptive man he told me this physical life was all just a school for souls that had to be brutal in order to mould us into more evolved beings. When I found a writer who had the same thought, Ruth Kluger, I loved it. 'Auschwitz was no educational institution, Absolutely nothing good came out of the concentration camps' she claimed.
I'm an isolated, emotional, lazy mess but I would love to be a part of the spiritual work being done at this time. I'm going to be doing a healing course with my local christian spiritualist church which I am lucky enough to have access to as so many do not have the luxury. I am told that in able to do healing work you need to be attuned to spirit. However, I just don't have the confidence in my abilities. Presently I see like little lights that shine and move around. Also when I breathe in I think I can feel a type of energy in my head I guess where the pineal gland is.
It would be lovely to develop a discipline to have a chance to shine that also helps others.
Trying to get over my hostility, anger and feelings of innate badness are also presenting barriers.
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