[shivatar]

I don't despise you at all.

I once believed myself to be Lucifer, and the anti-christ, and able to help the world or end it. I was confused and young back then. I put labels on things I didn't have complete knowledge of and sentenced myself un-necessarily to a hell of my own making. I thought I was evil, so I attracted very powerful experiences to confirm that. It was only after a long time of suffering that I realized hell was not for me and that I was not worthy of hell. Once my beliefs changed my outer experience changed.

You seem burdened by the weight of the experiences that keep coming to you. I think finding a spiritual mentor or a teacher or a guide of some sort will help you get through these troubling times. I don't mean a psychologist, a therapist, or a psychiatrist, although they are as equally helpful. I mean someone who has been practicing spirituality long enough to give off a loving, understanding, and compassionate presence. Someone who is wise enough to be able to guide you through these times and willing to do so.

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You have potential my friend but please don't think you have to do everything on your own. There are other people just like you, people like me and people more mature and wiser than me, who are willing and happy to help you along the path. There are many of us who have all shared similar experiences of divinity and hell and mystical gifts. I'd like for you to consider that what you've experienced so far is not set in stone, although it may appear and feel that way to you now, and consider that there are untold mysteries and marvels that await you in this life. You've already been through most of the hardest parts, now all you need to do is hang tight until your body can recover and can you can truly enjoy the heaven that you deserve.

The God in me says to you. "Work. Work for it (heaven) and I will be there for you every step of the way. Pushing you from your past, cheering for you in the present, and pulling you forward from the future. Work and you will be rewarded."

You already believe you are condemned to a hell beyond belief. I'm telling you there is another way, a much more difficult way, but a much more rewarding way as well. I hope you walk with the rest of us someday. We will all be here for you in spirit even if you decline now. We will be waiting for you as long as you need. You've already shown the ability to meet with beings in an astral plane, you can meet us too anytime you want. All you need to do is focus on our presence. We are a group of loving beings who have incarnated to help the world, just like you have. And just like you each of us has struggled with the weight of these experiences and the burdens of our incarnated form. If you need us in the real world just begin to reach out with vulnerability and honesty, just like you did this time, and if there are any of us around we will come to you.

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In the beginning our experiences are dictated by the strength of our vows. Based on what you've said I can tell that your vows have pushed you very high. The vows are when you make a decision that the rest of your life depends on. When the voices spoke to you about your life and you denied, when you thought about giving up your life by your own hand, you were making a statement. It means something but its best to not take everything literally. It's best to think of the meaning of these experiences like a dream, it's more symbolic than literal, for often the vows never come true but the conviction stays with us. The energy we get from making the vow stays even if we don't fulfill the vow. The energy and experience is a wake up call, demanding us to act on this new information and take our life into our own hands and away from this aspect of our self that cannot cope with life. When we act from this deeper self magical things happen.

Making the vow is one experience. Fulfilling it is another. What really matters is which vows we fulfill. I can see you are worried about the negative things you've thought and the anger you have. Let me show you what that means.

There is an aspect of our self that is very full of determination and will power. When something blocks it's way it gets angry. Our higher self is above this aspect and has the ability to thwart it, quite naturally this makes us feel anger for our higher self is mysterious and the lower aspects of self are more rational. When the lower aspects of you wanted to help the world, but your higher self blocked it, you got angry and unloaded. This is quite natural and nothing to be worried about or ashamed of. Your real mistake was thinking that it was you who did this. The farther along the path you get the more you will realize that you are the center of your being, and this anger is something like the edge of a circle to you. It may feel like its you when you are experiencing just the edge, but you are actually the entire circle and your mysterious self is whats at the center of the circle, experiencing all opposites simultaneously.

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There is no permanent heaven or hell that we know of. There are pockets within the universe where the perception of time is lost though. In heaven this increases the bliss, in hell this increases the pain. There is an aspect of our mysterious self that is limitless and infinite. That aspect of our self is the center of the circle like I said earlier, and it will eventually tire (adapt) to even the most lush of heavens or fearsome of hells. We are beings that cycle endlessly through infinity. Nothing is permanent for us.

Don't be afraid about the infinite aspect of yourself or the infinite nature of the universe. Things are always surprising and they get better with time, provided that we put in the effort to evolve and advance our experience. As you get farther along the path this infinite aspect of yourself becomes your favorite aspect of self. It has the ability to trick itself into believing its limited and believing it can be trapped in certain dimensions, this is just part of the cycle of infinity. It can be easily broken when we learn how. if you apply the knowledge of cycles you can easily do it. If you are in a nasty hell, apply the knowledge of cycles, if you are in a lush heaven, have doubt about the knowledge. You have the control my friend, use it, guide your awareness to what you want to experience and let the universe provide it for you. Beliefs, emotions, manifestations; the universe will provide what you believe in. The universe provides, well it meets us half way, and it doesn't distinguish between a desire that will hurt us or please us. If you continue to believe these damaging things about your identity then the universe will provide you with the pain you need until you recognize you are wrong. If you choose a new way it may take a while before you can really see and feel the results but it will come to you if you are patient and determined.