[A human Being]

Originally Posted by Terra Tourist

You're absolutely right RiverL. I didn't see that before, but yes, that's very true. I think it just gets very scary for me, when I can only feel the grief inside instead of the love. In those moments, I think logic goes and I just try to repeat any or all known patterns to find happiness again...even if that means looking to other external sources.

This growing/healing business is tough...

First off, my condolences for your loss, I know how difficult and painful it can be

The sense I get here is that you're aware of the grief, which is a natural part of the healing process, but you're reluctant to surrender to it, which is entirely understandable - it's very human to try to move away from the pain and towards a more desirable state. But grief only creates suffering when it's resisted, and the funny thing is, when we try to cut ourselves off from grief, we also tend to cut ourselves off from love, too.

So my advice would be to take a few deep breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth, in order to relax, soften, and weaken any resistance to the grief that there might be, and then turn towards the grief, allow it to penetrate you completely.

I wish you luck, and I'll leave you with this quote by Osho that I love :

If a person can go into his sorrow deeply he will find all sorrow has evaporated. In that evaporation of sorrow is joy, is bliss. Bliss has not to be found outside, against sorrow. Bliss has to be found deep, hidden behind the sorrow itself. You have to dig into your sorrowful states and you will find a wellspring of joy.