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Originally Posted by Gem
I've had my share of dangerous folk earlier in life, and I think it's delusionary to expect that others have no effects upon ourselves. I have been affected, it doesn't always feel awesome, and I just take it like, that's life. The difference as I see it is between hating that effect and being OK with it as a facet of personal change. Sometimes it is only years after great struggles and endurance that cruelty and adversity can be appreciated as profound character building trials. If people were not affected, then the change that we might see as character building would not have happened. To me it's not about becoming remote to life as an impartial observer, as some sort of holier than thou and beyond, but to be engaged, and thereby be affected and changed, precisely because there is no choice. Life experience does change you, form you, and make you the person that you are; even more so if one is self-aware in the duration and self-reflective after the fact.
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I have gathered from your open sharing Gem that your early life endured your share. Not in content but in the sharing of your feelings and glimpses, it has created an awareness of you in myself in this regard and I know where I have been walking looking more directly at life as it is and reflecting, you relate similar. I am aware of myself with any ill feelings I may hold especially against the one inflicting pain. I can because I know I have hurt others and released myself from my own binds. I have hurt and have been hurt. Life shows me all sides of pain and suffering, so I am building awareness on all sides as part of my own self aware state of being. It is the only way as I see to real and lasting peace. Your mention of character building is what I see in all this also. I feel through this process I am open and immersed and seeing more directly to not desensitize myself or turn a blind eye, but to see life as it is, to be more fully aware that I can build a more grounded open state, feel openly and not be affected with the weight of that suffering holding me down, but rather building me stronger to be in the world, yet not attached to the world and all it endures, remaining aware and engaged.
I feel the same way also about being an observer, aware and open, moving through life in this way. I am a self reflective/self aware person, it is my nature to come back to myself in everyway I experience the world around me. I generally leave no stone unturned in myself till I reach that peace. And the harder the world's pain is in this view in me, it feels harder moving through the barriers of life in me/world in me, but I manage to move through. I don't give up. Which is another aspect of my character. I know where the light through process is in me now, I accept all aspects of myself that are affected and reflect to go deeper to peace in myself.
The depth of fear has taught me how deep I can go to peace in myself.
Engaged, Affected and changed. Yes that is it.