Alcohol doesnt numb at all. nothing works like that. Im in ultra intense agony at all times. i cannot eat much solid food. i lay in bed in absolute terror. None of this is anything like the concept of lessons, learning, growth, rather its destruction & torture.

Doctors & practitioners of any kind tried cannot help me at all. I am in the worse state of my life. Before this worse state, i tried out 14 doctors from 1996 to end of 2009 and something like 30 - 40 medications. They never once helped me. No kind of talk therapy helped me and they stop seeing me and tell me they cannot help, as well as the last doctor did this too.

I try everything to stop intense agony & torture and nothing works. All i feel is complete destruction and terror. No matter how much i ask or beg for help, no matter what meditation i try, no matter who i call out to in spirit, there is no help and i remain in torture.

Continual crying and continual talking about it has no effect on me. Theres no release, no progress. I started off in a very bad state my whole life which i wasnt able to help after researching everything. Now its far far worse.

Only during a 1 & 3/4ths year relationship did i ever feel any relief, but because it was only part-in-person and part-long distance and we couldnt get enough money and other wellness-factors to get together, it only caused 3% the improvement i would have had had we got together and stable

In otherwords, i Man who has tried 35 meds from doctors, thousands of other things, got huge help for the first time being in a long term relationship, and that help was only a small fraction of the miraculous amount it could have been should it have been stabilized living together. Huge help would have turned into even 20 times greater help. I dont know why this is the only thing that ever had an impact on me. I am told that i am the warmest, smartest rather well-rounded and in other ways greatest person or one of the greatest ever known .. by more than just her, others in the past . then the very same people who say this about me dump me for someone else, do things like suddenly have Amnesia and dont remember a relationship .. or in the case of friends, no longer be a friend for no reason.

Im a veteran of spirituality and a Man of high morals & ethics. 1996 the same year i started seeing doctors, was also the year i awakened to spiritual interests. spirituality was early 96 while doctors was late 96. I had been ill my whole life, but moving in with an aunt and uncle is what caused 96 to start the doctors. Anyway, since 1996 i have done violet flame literally, not figuratively, but literally over 100,000 times, and have engaged myself in countless different meditations, self helps, spiritual exercises, soul searching and the like.

im shaking so bad as i type, i am in a constant nervous break down. My story is too hard to type. No one can get to know a person unless they talk to that person for several weeks, and share with each other... so typing & message boards isnt ****.

This hurts me so much, that shake, panic all the time, and i leak in my pants and have to change. Please dont tell me that being in so much torture that you cant hold your bladder completely and you cry out all the time is learning a lesson and growing. especially considering i have never had one single period of my life that was more well than unwell. the closest was not being able to get in a stable living arrangement with.... her. I Lived a life of getting Fs in school as a small child in depression (was not abused at all, I was well cared for) to present day where im worse than ever. Thats not growth, its destruction, terror and torture

I dont understand how anyone can say alcohol helps when it just adds more sickness and dizziness to the torture. I dont get any GABAergic receptor based relief effect from it at all.