OK I'm going to go all in on a limb here.

In brief cause it's dark man. But I was raised Christian against my will of course in a family I hated and had an isolated dark childhood fill off suffering.

I think I believed in god then before I was 12. I use the term believe loosely.

My sister died and my family were abusive to me in all three varieties. I felt so alone. I have been from 12 to 23 a creature of my own design.
I made personalities etc to cover what I'd been though. I've figured this through regression.

But last year January something profound happened out of nowhere. I was happily drinking drugging and debting myself of the face of the earth.
I'd just met Safina who was a Muslim girl just turning 18. (im only 24...) but she plays a big role In this.


One day I had a close call with the drugs and had an obe. First time ever not a spiritual bone in my body or so I thought.
I saw ganesh in the universe all around me. Within me. Above and below me. Bigger and smaller.
He told me only this;

"we are the same you and I"

Since then I've chased it like, like spiritualism became the only drug I needed. Call it an inner calling.
Safina supported me through the whole year through everything, it's been a tough fight going from rock bottom to anything at all.

But the last time we made love. We both had an obe. She was in the universe. But for me. I saw the creation of the universe and I cried so hard when I came round in her embrace and she knew why.

I just realised that all those years I'd been so isolated and detached from not just the whole world but even myself like I was an alien on someone else's planet.
I wept tears of joy knowing that as much as my time with Safina was coming to an end. She had left me with the greatest gift of all.
God.

I felt Angry at myself initially. For locking myself up like that. For always thinking I was crazy when the truth is I'd be crazy not to listen to the thought behind the thoughts.
But I have a lot of questions only he knows the answers to.

.

I've seen the world. I know conciseness. It's a massive leap to say this but I'm rather enlightend this year.
So I need to know what to do about it.
And why i know all this or even how.

No one's ever told me. I haven't been religious. God came to me. Through that vision and through that beautiful girl.
And that's why I know.
I know the man behind my thoughts is in there. And I need him to tell me if what I'm about to do is the right path for me.
I need his courage fire love and strength. The world has taken mine.