You have put into words what I've been trying to explain for so long! Thank you for sharing this insightful wisdom, Imzadi! It's difficult to explain why nothing seems to stick, I always want to find out "why" and when I get it, it never lasts for long. Your last paragraph: "So I suppose I had been dying a thousand deaths", this is it, I call them brain dumps, it feels like my patterns die and it's been happening at an increasing pace this past year...extremely frustrating, but this is it as you've explained, like everyone on the spiritual path!