it's one and the same to me--i need to be as close to home as i can get. THAT is what it boils down to.

i'm sorry that i haven't been very fun to talk to about this, i'm very tired of how painful this can be, and it makes me almost panic sometimes. i'm still hoping i will find someone soon--on this site or otherwise--who knows what i am going through.

the really maddening thing is that i often give myself very good advice about it, like no one else can tell me who i am, and to trust myself. but i always end up afraid, especially about what other Indian people will think. i wish i could just be myself and let things come. i'm just worried i'm doing something wrong.

i know that when no one can help you, the best thing to do is think of what someone you admire would do, or even better, to plain and simple follow your instincts.

i will be back on tomorrow. good night :)