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Originally Posted by Shivani Devi
I am very sorry to hear that, but rest assured, you are not alone.
This has been my issue as well, basically ever since childhood. Even though I have limited interaction with others and feign an identity just so that I can associate, when I introspect and search for a sense of who I am, nothing is there. It isn't troubling or worrying, but there is just nothing...and the loss of motivation and purpose which accompanies it.
I thought I would become totally desensitised to my complete dissociation over time, but the hollowness deprives me of all emotions and I am pretty much ambivalent towards everything...no pleasure, no pain and it seems like the only emotion I CAN feel, is frustration.
I have been trying to get over this for YEARS now, and I have watched many, many YouTube videos on "emotional flatlining", on "Anhedonia", on "depersonalisation" you name it, I have seen it! but nothing helps.
I even try to "create happiness" by doing things that I once enjoyed as a child, before I lost who I am, but I realise that I can't force my way out of it by tricking my mind, because my mind sees right through every feeble effort I make with " I see what you are trying to do there", so I realised that whatever happens to elicit an emotional response has to be spontaneous.
I have even given up my spiritual practices because it just seemed like I was just doing it all by rote and only going through the motions...and even though I know I love God, I can't even feel that anymore, but I know it's still there, deep down inside there somewhere.... somewhere.
It is like all of my chakras are closed off, slammed shut and locked and trying to open them again, is like trying to force the petals of a flower to open.
So, I just let go and go with the flow as well, but all I can see is life passing me by without my direct involvement in it whatsoever.
So, I am subscribing to this thread to see if there is any helpful advice out there which may be able to assist both of us.
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