My dear Nature Grows, I got your kind PM and thank you for it...it is pretty intense stuff, so I wasn't able to reply straight away and I'm still trying to work out what words I am going to use, and I realise I need to be sensitive and tactful, so please forgive me if it takes a few days to reply to you.
You haven't been forgotten, but that article on Shamanism and Mental Illness was brilliant!
Quote:
|
Originally Posted by Seawolf
Sounds like trauma symptoms. Many of us have Developmental Trauma or CPTSD as well. There is EMDR, IFS(Internal Family Systems), Somatic Experiencing. . read Bessell Van Der Kolk's "The Body Keeps the Score". Pete Walker's "Complex Post Traumatic Stress: From Surviving to Thriving", and "Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, A New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy". Or you might just have PTSD, which EMDR really helps with, or Somatic Experiencing.
Once you get on the path to trauma recovery, you'll start getting better. But most people here don't do that sort of thing, so you might have to be flexible and open.
|
I could hug you as well. You are always a goldmine of wisdom and a wealth of knowledge to me.
After I was diagnosed with all the above, I was referred to a Neuro Psychiatrist called Dr. Keith Johnson at Wollongong Hospital by a Neurologist called Dr. Karen Fuller, at the same location (I live in Shellharbour NSW).
I went to see Dr. Johnson, after Dr. Fuller did all those tests, told me that my symptoms didn't have any physical cause, even though they can be measured physically, so it was
way out of her league as she only dealt with stuff that had a 'cause' to have an 'effect'.
Dr. Johnson told me that it was
all a result of suppressed trauma since childhood and the 'hard life' I have led...having nobody to help me, talk to me, encourage me...relying on only myself and continuing to turn within to my own Self for help (and the Spirits, of course)...but he called it Conversion Disorder, Dysautonomia, CPTSD and FND, then he referred me to the works of professor Jon Stone from the University of Edinburgh:
https://www.ed.ac.uk/clinical-brain-...s/dr-jon-stone
After that, he suggested I find a psychologist or counsellor who specialised in Trauma Counselling.
I was tortured, raped, abused, neglected etc from the ages of 5-25 years. I had no friends, nobody to help me, my family hated me...I was never loved, held, hugged, praised, appreciated...I was told I never deserved it because I was a 'bad girl' and it became very apparent that I was only meant to be a 'replacement' for the perfect boy child, my parents had 2 years before my arrival, who died of SIDS (cot death), but I wasn't what they wanted.
Anyway, I only felt pain...I only felt 'not normal' as I watched other children playing with each other...being hugged and kissed by their parents...for a long time, I felt
so jealous of them...yeah, I pretty much discovered God and religion about the same time, when I understood that I deserved to be loved because there was One who did so regardless, no matter if I was a 'bad girl' or not.
So, I found this psychologist (Robyn Iforgetherlastname) and I go and see her every fortnight. I have been going for a year now...but so far, nothing has happened, nothing has changed. Problem is, I've put it all 'in the past' instead of dealing with it 'in the now' and I can openly talk about it without emotion, like an old movie I had once seen. Consciously, I've desensitised myself from it
fully, but subconsciously, I have not and so any attempt to consciously work on it, is producing limited results, as I've had the last 30 years or so to mentally "get over it" even though physically, that doesn't seem to be the case.
This is also why consciously, I'm not afraid to die or to astral travel, but subconsciously, I am...but I seem to be losing my grip on my own version of 'reality' and I'm trying to hold on to it, because God only knows what's left after the fact...when a person with CPTSD has a profound spiritual awakening and realises the true nature of Consciousness, yet still remains trapped within the hurt little child (or 'brat' as Davidsun says). I'm fully God-realised, but don't want to be...because there's so much responsibility, answerability, humility and incumbency which goes along with that, I realise I cannot do anything until I get through the trauma first...that which holds me back, despite the fact that nothing really does...and then, it becomes a conundrum that my mind and body cannot handle.
So, it's difficult for the psychologist to approach this and we've tried...the next step is a hypnotherapist to try and change some of my patterns and beliefs that I cannot
consciously change because there are just too many barriers to work around...caused by the trauma itself and I'm not even consciously aware that I am putting them up, but the psychologist is...and yet, I cannot seem to be able to 'help it' because I've only had myself to talk to and rely on for the last 20 years...I don't even go out much because my trauma has
totally desensitised me from the world, that I've sorta lost the ability to 'relate' to people (if I ever had that to begin with) and I doubt 'relating to Spirits' or 'relating to God' is a good primer for 'relating to people'.
However, like I said...I'm also starting to lose my connection to that which has sustained me all these years and even last night I found myself praying to Shiva going "please give me the feeling back...you know, how I felt when I first saw your image? I want to feel
that again"...yet, I was a 'good girl' this morning, because I woke up at 8am and did an hour of yoga followed by half an hour of meditation...I also found a way to keep apple cider vinegar down...by mixing it with olive oil, himalayan pink salt, ground garlic, lime juice and warm water. I drank about half a litre of that mixture last night (probably why I was able to get up and do yoga). lol
So yes, I shall read those books and thank you so much for that...I want to learn, I want something that's going to help because nobody in the medical profession seems to know how (that I have gone to see anyway) and I can't even go to the doctor now with any problem because it all gets attributed to 'trauma' and it all becomes "when was the last time you saw Dr. Johnson?" when even Dr.Johnson, himself said there was nothing he could really do for me anymore. It sucks, because I could be having a heart attack and won't even know it until it kills me, unfortunately...and that's the down side of having a 'psychosomatic illness'...which is kinda just a stone's throw away from 'spiritual sickness'. It seems that my premature kundalini awakening just exacerbated or brought forward all those things that were bound to happen anyway.
Yes, I realise that I am 'powerful beyond measure'...but after a lifetime of being kept down...'in my place'....'shut up because nobody wants to hear what you have to say'...'you're nothing special'....'you will do what
I say'....'you are NOBODY! do you understand?' etc...etc...it's difficult for me to reconcile this...difficult to feel the love I have for Shiva and vice versa...He's all I have ever known my whole life and sometimes, I think He intentionally made it that way because I 'belong to Him' or something like that.
Anyway, a bit more of the story...a few more 'pieces to the puzzle' and now, to save my pennies so I can buy those books (unless there's a free PDF version somewhere).