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Thank you all for your interesting answers. When I read all this, I found a bit of everything that I am going through.
For example, like you Jim,I also had a rotten childhood, with no schoolfriends (they liked more bulling me), no brothers or sisters. Lets say I had a loveless youth, no hugs and so on. I felt already lonely, I spent a lot of time in my room. I saw that there was no love between my parents. The only thing I had, was I had much things to play with, later even een television, music installation (I do not know if that is the right English words) I could never be bored.
Later when I had a job, I worked hard, I wanted to express myself also through music and to paint. So I was always busy, going to art school, and I loved that.
One day I crashed also, after my divorce, and got in a depression, I got panic attacks when I left the house, I could not walk in the street anymore. I must say I still go to a doctor who I can talk to and take medicine when needed. I am happy those panic attacks are over, and I also had to go to a therapist for relaxationexercises. I know that crash was too much for my body, I can not do much work anymore. But the other side of the medal is, that in that periode, I awakened. I will never forget that, it was like coming at the top of a mountain and see the view, and a lot of pieces fell in place. I met my guide(s), who is my twin soul, my other guides, I learned to have a safe place inside to go to, just for me. I can say that was the best moment in my life. I laughed and cried, because things were suddenly clear for a big part.
I also saw things about past lifes, and it is not only the nice things you see, but sometimes it is needed to understand things, and knowing why have sudden reactions that you did not understand before.
And that is so strange, the more I know, the more I wonder about the world we live in. It breaks my heart when I see horrible things on the news or tv, that hurts so much.
And I learned to cry too, the doctor said too me, you may cry, it is about time the tears come, because I could not cry for a very long time.
I also asked my guide, why am I here? The first answer he gave me was through a song (he does that a lot) it was from Vangelis, shine for me. Since shortly I am working on this, because I said, I do not how to do this. But the essential answer was also, learn selflove. And that is so difficult, because then I say: how can I do this when I never received anything? And on the other hand, I am kind and friendly, even to those who are cold and not nice to me. Someday, someone was not friendly to me, and the woman next to me said, why did not you say something back to that '*******' (sorry). Well, if he wants to treat people like this, I am not going to do what he does. I do not want to be an ******* too. She did not know what to say on that.
It is just not my style to become an angry person, no matter what they did or said.
And it is very right what I read here, never get angry at a person who has nothing to do with it, because if someone else hurt you, be angry at the perpetrator, not on someone innocent.
I have already learned to forgive my parents, I guess they had there own problems, and I think also that I had to learn a lesson in this life.
But I also want to thank you all for your good advice, I see that I am not alone with that kind of problems. And I will also search to read about 'the emotional body'. (Thank you h.o.r.a.c.e.)
Well, I am very hard at work to find myself, that is also why I posted this, to find out what other (spiritual) people think.
Thank you all,
Sarah
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