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I am grateful today for letting myself re-acknowledge that in external world most of human relationships are based on "how useful you are"-value and therefore it's okay for me to feel misanthropy because I can not see human goodness in putting someone's value on how useful they are (outside jokes and business).
There is nothing wrong in me wanting depth in my friendships and there's nothing wrong in me getting mad if that's not respected, but perhaps I should learn to accept that "formal friends"/"use or be used ones" have a purpose and are not readily "dirty" outside business world.
I'm disappointed in myself that I ever doubted my perceptions and tried to force myself to see it another way. I'm also disappointed in myself starting to lie about "human goodness exists" just out of both my own passive aggression and to not upset others around me.. but I'm grateful that I had my experiences prove that I was right and I should learn to doubt myself less.
Nobody is obliged to keep anyone around by force, all I can do is to trust that my trust-tests give correct results regarding to other people and then decide the course.
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