It was August 18, 2012. I had a migraine (as I usually do), and my phone notified me of a voice mail. The phone had not been moved, so it had simply lost signal for whenever the call had come in. Reception was so bad I ended up calling to retrieve the message on a land-line. Upon returning the call, I found myself talking to an ICU nurse, then to a doctor, being told that my mom was in ICU on life support. They were requesting my permission to do more.

I gave that permission, even having promised my mother years before that I'd not let her be hooked up to machines, period. She was already on life support, and I gave them the okay to try dialysis before frantically calling my husband and sister as I was hurrying out the door to head to the hospital.

Through the day they let us in to visit her a few times. She progressively turned more green. Her eyes never closed, never stopped staring through the ceiling. Still, after I gave the order to have her removed from life support, there was a tear on her cheek. I really hope they'd put drops in her eyes. I'd felt more sure that the decision was right until then. We sat around her bed, and I squeezed her hand so hard I bruised it.

She'd been sick for years, and was a resident at the nursing home. This was still very unexpected. I'm so unsure of my decision (yes my sister was there, but it still fell on me). I have nightmares that she's mad at me, that she hates me. There's so much guilt over so much.

I miss her deeply. I thought that her being ill for so long was readying me for her passing, but it really didn't. I'm lost without her, and heartbroken that I haven't felt her presence or been visited by her. She was all I had for so long, and even though my life is more full now she's left a huge hole. She was an amazing woman who had far too hard a life, and I hope that she's not mad at me or disappointed in me. I don't think I'll ever shake the feeling that she's dead because of me :(