View Single Post
  #4  
Old 09-03-2018, 03:58 PM
7luminaries 7luminaries is offline
Master
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,087
  7luminaries's Avatar
I think the 2 years is an attempt to be prudent because folks may reconcile. I either know or have heard of several instances of this.
If they do not, the 2 years is time which can be used to deal with their loss and reflect and learn how to be on their own. They say it takes 3 to 5 years to fully recover emotionally and mentally (and spiritually) from a divorce or major breakup.

Getting involved within about 6 mo after splitting is about right for many gents as they have a need for sex and touch from a woman...but it doesn't mean they are looking for anything serious or permanent, regardless of what they say. Many will not say that outright as they'd feel like a cad. But it is still a rebound relationship for many if it occurs within the first few years of a major split like a divorce.

I just want to be the voice of caution here...you may get along great but the timing is poor and most gents would be extremely horny 6 months on after many years of being reasonably well supplied sexually and then having to adjust suddenly to none of that. Like being out to sea for 6 months and then finally hitting port. So you have to ask yourself...is this gent so amazingly brilliant that you'd be ok with being shagged and dumped after say 6 to 12 months, just when you might have really begun to trust there was reason to think it was "long-term"?

The odds are not at all in your favour...nor anyone who gets involved in this scenario. If you say to him you'd rather wait till he's closer to being legally free and has had time on his own, and then the gent were to move on quickly to another woman (as quite a few will do -- perhaps the majority of separated men who have time to pursue it )-- then you'd know if any other willing woman he fancied would do. Then you'd know it's more the need for ready intimacy and less about who you are as a person.

Most gents I meet on coffee dates have had at least a few of these "relationships" within the first 3 to 5 years of divorcing...many have had loads of hookups and so forth as well. In this time period, a lot of very poor judgment is shown all round, and folks are almost not in their right mind in many cases for months or years on end. It's not a situation I'd advise.

I'll be honest, the likelihood of resulting STI/STD diseases with these gents is another just a nauseating turnoff. So I wanted to give you my perspective, as I've seen far too many extremely needy, grasping divorced men who can hardly even be bothered to get to know you before demanding sex For certain if you were really set on getting involved, IMO you'd need to get tested and use protection for months to be sure they were clean and truly monogamous...as what I've heard many admit is that they often will not be, not unless they truly love you...and that won't be for at least 6 months in, most likely.

According to most gents I've asked in my informal surveys , they want to shag as soon as possible but of course they also honestly confirm that there's no way to know if they'll ever deeply love you IF AT ALL, for at least 6 months, maybe 6-12 months. That part actually rang true. That is, in this roundabout sort of way, scores of men have openly admitted to me that they use most of the women they've dated for any length by shagging them and then parting ways. Knowing full well that most of the time, they won't love her or not enough to commit, no matter how long they shag her.

This is a "normal" relationship under (IMO) our truly toxic and degraded social paradigm...the man demands sex and touch from any woman before "getting to know her", the woman puts out hoping for love and time spent (most women), and 9 of 10 times it'll not work out because he wants nothing more and/or there's no mutual love...or it lingers on as long as she'll have it. The obvious thing to do is not have sex until you mutually get to know and love each other as people and as beloved friends who then also want to be life partners.

But in the current arrangement...men knowingly use women for sex and affection whilst knowing full well the deal is, only once or twice in their lives will they truly love (and/or commit) to a woman. It's not the fault of any one man...IMO it's the toxic social paradigm under which we've all been raised to think crazy mad is "normal" and that coldly using and disposing of others purely for sexual convenience is OK because it's "routine" and "everyone does it". Once it has been normalised as commonplace and "ok", then it becomes "good" and "right" and your compliance is demanded and required, LOL. This is pure cultural brainwashing. IMO the culture has to shift, and we have to shift it, before we see men en masse behaving differently.

Ideally, you'd meet up again in a few years after urging him to rigourously practice safe sex in the interim (LOL)...and then see if you still fancy him and if you still feel his interest in you is real and genuine and lasting, once he's had a chance to heal and hopefully get past the rebound stage. Only then is a person truly capable of giving and being in a committed relationship...before that, even if they desired it (and this is not a given), they just don't have it in them.

And good luck to you whatever you do decide!
Peace & blessings
7L
__________________
Bound by conventions, people tend to reach for what is easy.

Here we must be unafraid of what is difficult.

For all living beings in nature must unfold in their particular way

and become themselves despite all opposition.

-- Rainer Maria Rilke