TBH no one is saying anyone should be a therapist in their relationship, as I see it. Even if a professional, that's not a dynamic that should be brought in...because then you are not relating as an equal but rather as the expert or the fixer whilst you tell the other how things should be, LOL...
The OP has said she has carried her own load and is always striving to do more, and she's owned where she was challenged and rose to it. Which several here have said is good and carry on. But IMO we want to stop short of being overly harsh and failing to acknowledge her right to her perspective. We don't know her personally and we cannot say we know better than she if the gent has been avoidant or seemed off in some way.
If I were coming into a group setting that was not on SF, I would definitely say we need to be careful of appearing to gaslight another by invalidating their experiences and perceptions. By downgrading them in any way. In whatever way, these are the revelations of the soul, of the heart, and brushing them off is probably not in the interests of her highest good, IMO.
There is this idea that I feel is fundamentally flawed and unsustainable...and that is that sex and casual companionship can be at the core of a sustainable partnership without causing harm and trauma to the heart and spirit of many. The reality is that sex (a sacred act IMO) without a mutuality of authentic love and meaningful commitment is simply not going to be sustainable for a huge proportion of enlightened folks but especially for women in general. And that's something we all need to begin accepting much more openly and more consciously. So that we can give others their space to decide what is and is not right for them. And to allow them to draw boundaries and to put forth very human and reasonable requests in relationship without castigating them overly.
The OP has IMO legitimate concerns regardless of whether she is allowed to simply be human and be in tears once a year. To ask for support in a critical moment. This is not about having a prior engagement with a friend. A person could call and be late with good reason, and then again he could also come by next morning and be there. Etc. It was NOT a strictly either/or situation and for the gent to frame it so was a false dichotomy to begin with. Clearly it was convenient to do so...but it would be equally as easy to have been a bit flexible and found a way to stay a bit or follow up later with mate or Sista, with a little clear communication to his mate and to Soulsista. That's simply the loving and kind thing to do. But that begs the question...perhaps he doesn't have a deeper, authentic love for her and as a result, perhaps he wasn't able to be kind or present when it wasn't about him (getting sex and fun times from her).
If he didn't do any of this after a year of exclusive sex and no prior request like this for a bit of his care and time, then it doesn't mean he doesn't care at all. But I think there is good call to express her concern regarding his degree of emotional superficiality and/or availability whilst he's penetrating her regularly and she's kept herself exclusive for him regarding sex and emotional intimacy. And why is that? Most women, esp. those who are evolved (IMO) are not comfortable with casual sex, esp. long term. Some men as well, particularly if they are extremely strong and centred. But otherwise that's just not the case for others and they are happy to have sex and even hang out for ages whilst never taking the woman too seriously. Thus if her assumption is a mutuality of an authentic love which is not present in reality, she needs time and support to accept the reality of what actually is and see if she is still down with being in a sexual relationship that lacks the depth and the love she needs. There is good reason to take time to evaluate whether the sexual relationship has a deeper foundation than exclusivity of genital contact and the fun times.
It's an honest thing to do and support, not gaslightling or misdirection, is what is needed. IMO we don't need to tell her that it was wrong to expect kindness and support in a pinch if it's inconvenient. It's not about right or wrong per se. Is it wrong to cry once a year? Is it wrong to be simply human and ask for someone to sit with you a bit once a year? What if he had asked her to stay in tears, 1st time ever, and she left to meet up for a drink, and came round later for the shag and bit of chat after he'd "manned up" (tis rubbish, yes?) and dealt with it on his own?
We are all human and that love and support are the only things we have to offer that are of much worth. If we must be 100% self-reliant, like a machine, and if we are wrong to seek or desire any emotional exchange whatsoever...then we are saying that only the sexual and activity related aspects are real or matter. This is IMO not a relationship. It is a functional arrangement or set of arrangements for sex and outings.
This time next year when she is in tears (about the superficiality of being penetrated without authentic love?) and needs a shoulder, she could just skip ahead, just leave, and just cut out the share altogether...but then she doesn't need to be in a sexual relationship at all, IMO. She doesn't need to be in a relationship to shag someone if he doesn't care for her as a person or want to love and engage with the whole person. She could just leave off. Nor does she need to shag someone just to to hang out and do fun stuff. That's what fam, friends or activity groups are for, LOL.
Just some additional thoughts to balance all the talk of her manning up further and thus only bringing her perfectly controlled self, the sweetness and light, and her desire for sex and fun, to the relationship...hahaha. Even better, let's just wait till the androids come out at an affordable price and all the folks who just want the 2-D sex and good times can buy one of those
Peace & blessings
7L