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Originally Posted by Baile
I re-read your first post to try and understand where this is coming from, but I can't figure it out. What happened that you're now guarded, and your self-esteem is gone? And I noticed you said you're having trust issues with your husband, as if he did something to lose your trust, but I don't see the reason as to why that is. I thought the issue was simply about trying to get someone off your mind.
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It all started when he had to stop playing sports. That is when he turned to online gaming. At first I figured his new obsession would be short lived, but when it wasn't, it became a source of tention between us. Eventually, I started trying to find other things to occupy my time. Hanging out with other moms, arranging play dates... There was usually at least one mom I was practically joined at the hip with lugging our kids around all over the place for little adventures. Trips to libraries and hiking, going to parks or movies... lots of swimming.
We still managed to find time together. I was a house wife and I would wakeup with him at 4am to make coffee and his lunch and watch a bit of the news before he had to go to work.
When our landlord sold our place, we ended up having to move away and I had to take 2 jobs to make ends meet. One of which I wouldn't be out from until 2am most nights. This cut into our morning time but I would still make sure he had coffee waiting for him when he woke. As his video gaming habit persisted, I sort of settled into a routine that involved binge watching various programs on Netflix but I still missed him and wanted him to spend time with me so I started luring him away from the computer with sexual favors. This backfired as it then became the only way he was spending time with me and somehow that made me feel even worse. Him coming home expecting me to please him before he would ditch me for his game.
I eventually started spending quite a bit of time online myself. I developed a little group of online friends and when one of them fell ill I started spending a bulk of that extra time checking up and making sure he was in good spirits. It gave me something to do and I never hid it from my husband. For about the first week he seemed a little jealous. Then Mother's day came and to my surprise, he bought me a laptop so I didn't have to struggle with my cell phone trying to message this person in the evenings while he was gaming.
This was soooooo out of the norm for us. I hate spending money and I am the last person who would have wanted something so expensive.
At any rate... that was his response to the situation.
I eventually came to realize he was talking to someone himself. I didn't know who she was or any of those details he never talked about it. I just figured their friendship was the same as me and the other guy. But his behavior became extremely suspicious. He had started removing my wedding ring when we would be intimate and freaked out one time when I had grabbed his cell phone. It was 5 days before my birthday when I found out he had an online gf. It had been six months since they started talking and 2 months since they started dating.
And... that was something I wasn't prepared for. My friend and I were never more than just friends. So him having this intimate relationship with another woman even in an online setting broke me in a huge way. That is when we started seeing other people. I didn't know how I was going to come to terms with what he'd done or if i could ever come to terms with it, my emotions were a big mess. As it were I did not date the aforementioned friend, to this day he has never been more than a friend and now we aren't even in touch with one another.
I started using vices to ease the pain. Drinking and smoking. Dated one online friend briefly then another. One in particular though, God... it was like he was oxygenating my soul. My whole demeanour changed while we were dating. I remember going to work one night and having 6 people ask me if I had changed my hair. The only new thing in my life at that point was him and that was the day we had made love(online) for the first time. It was a little startling that something so small could make such a noticeable change.
It was December and things had long since ended between me and him. Though, we maintained an unusually close friendship, both of our lives were just too complicated for anything more to make sense between us. Dec 17th was the day it came to a head for me. I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He responded by breaking it off with his girlfriend and telling me he wanted to work on us.
It was what I had wanted for quite a while. So, I was elated. I thought he had finally come to his senses and my life was going to go back to normal.
Christmas eve, I noticed him acting oddly again and asked to see the conversations between him and this other woman. Come to find out, the day after he "broke it off" with her he was right back on skype having online sex with her. I told him in that moment, that the only reason I was even with him was for the kids.
After that, I made him cut communication with her. I needed more than his word that he was going to be committed to us.
We sat around miserable for the next week, hardly speaking, scowling at one another from opposite sides of the room. I had started sleeping on the couch. New years eve he confessed that he was messaging her via e-mail and only the day before that my friend had admitted to me that he was still in love with me and wanted to see where things could go, so my husband and I agreed we were going to go back to dating other people.
Everything about this situation from the very beginning was just completely overwhelming. It was more than I could handle and I found myself many times just wanting to get away to clear my head so I booked a cruise for me and my sister departing in Feb. It was 4 nights of partying and crazy fun that I had really never gotten to experience because I had my first kid before I was drinking age. It was amazing.
While I was on my trip my husband had lots of time to realize what life without me would be like, managing the kids and the home all by himself. He ended things with her again, and this time, he cut communication on his own.
I came home from the cruise to a spotless house and a lobster dinner.
He asked me to break things off with my friend and though it felt like literally ripping my own heart out of my chest I did.
For two days I was in complete anguish over the breakup. My friend had been the only thing keeping me afloat for the longest time. We were each other's life vests when our ships sank. It actually caused me physical pain having to cut him out of the picture. I honestly wasn't sure there was anything worth salvaging of my marriage. I didn't feel like I could trust my husband. Any love I felt for him was so guarded. I had emotionally distanced myself for my own good.
Two nights after the break up I would wake up in the middle of the night to pain in my chest that was made worse every time I took a breath. As the night drew on it moved up into my neck. When I woke the next morning there was blood in my mouth.
It was a pulmonary embolism.
I ended up in the hospital for a day and a half while they pumped me full of blood thinners trying to clear the clot in my lung.
My husband brought the kids by to visit me once for about 20 minutes. And then I didn't see him again until it was time to be discharged. This is when he told me he had started talking to her again. I was in the hospital for one day and he had started talking to her again. Here I was, with a potentially fatal blood clot and instead of being there for me... he was off with her?
A couple of days later I caught him talking to her again and I told him that the only way this was going to work was if he stopped talking to her.
To my knowledge he hasn't spoken to her since. Though, knowing that if he did I would leave him... I am not sure how honest he is being about that.
So... that is the short version.
Assuming any of you make it to the end...
I spend most of my days depressed now trying like hell to ward off all the negative thoughts and feelings. Trying to let my guard down enough to love and trust my Husband again.
My friend and I are still in touch we are actually writing a book together now. Even though we are not intimately involved, something about our bond still feels like oxygen for my soul. It really is like nothing I have ever experienced. But I am convinced we were never meant to be together. That maybe God just brought us together to write this book. Even if the only purpose it ever serves is in helping with the healing process.