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I get you in many ways Divine One. Life feels like constant struggle against what doesn't feel harmonious or right for you. I watched my old Aunty trying to walk a few days ago, and her body is such a burden. Even with a walking frame it can take her 20 minutes to get to the toilet and back to her seat. She has a great sense of humour, a lively mind etc but she is sick of her painful body. She would recite poetry while trying to get her legs to obey her will. And all the time her right arm which is bearing all the weight, is aching like heck.
Even though I'm in my 60s I don't get anything as bad as that. I hope I never will get to that point.
I certainly have NO desire to live way into my nineties for example, in a similar condition for years and years and years.
I also made a "20 year countdown" -just for personal entertainment purposes! lol I am already a quarter way through mine! You can bet your life that some irony will happen.....like I'll fall in love or something in the last two months...or I'll find I live here until I'm 114!
But the "20 year countdown imaginary calendar-thing" got me through a particular time.
But it showed me how dreadfully weary we can get with our heavy bodies. And with a body that just 'feels wrong'.
So I understand what your difficulties might feel like, to a certain extent.
Anyway, try to remember that what we take with us when we pass through is just us, pure and simple. Just the way we think, feel, and our average vibrational state. Nothing more. So in many ways we leave just as we are, no better, an dnot suddenly magically transformed into some kind of Angel.
If something bugs us in this consciousness, it will also have a presence when we pass over.
The best plan I feel is to try to develop further before we leave Earth.
These so-called "lessons" make no sense sometimes. But it's not someone teaching us. It's not like doing homework or something where we can say, "Oh, I know that now, I've written down my answers, so no sense in sticking around. Can I go home now?" It's more about how we are formed and shaped by experience and our creative (or otherwise) responses to friction and life in general.
And yes, it sucks sometimes.
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