[shivatar]

Originally Posted by Ankhesenamun

shivatar - that's an interesting thing that you point out. What you describe, people sensing my fear and vulnerability and therefore attacking (like a wild animal) - that describes people who are narcissists, ie abusive, manipulative, and downright evil. There is a theory that such people are demonically possessed. I can well believe that as I have indeed been in the presence of evil. Such evil people instill a lot of fear in me, and fear is always from a negative source.

You mention healing. It's difficult to heal when the abuse is ongoing. If it was in the past then yes, I could heal and eventually put it behind me. But I have to deal with attacks on an almost daily basis. Every day I have to make very quick decisions how to try to stay safe. Every decision that I make, down to such small decisions as when and where to go grocery shopping, is based on how to stay safe - I have to calculate where I can go at what time to at least try and keep attacks to a minimum, to try to avoid people that are stalking me. When walking or driving along somewhere, I have to think which way to go, when to cross a road etc based on which areas to avoid so as to stay safe. Every moment of my life is nothing but considering how to stay safe and how to avoid more attacks. I am in constant fear because despite my careful considerations, I keep getting attacked and threatened.

In such circumstances it's impossible to heal. I don't even have time to heal, to spend time concentrating on myself. All my concentration goes on what to do next and how to organize my life to avoid attacks, and on trying to cope with the constant shocks resulting from the attacks and threats. I'm in survival mode 24 hours a day, all that matters is surviving, dealing with the shocks, trying to get back to normal after each attack, thinking what to do next. There is no time for anything else, no time for quiet contemplation, for meditation, for doing something for myself such as having a hobby.

It's interesting that you say I should just show how I feel and not constantly pretend to be ever so happy. Whilst I am a very positive person by nature, and like to smile at people and enjoy the few enjoyable moments that I get, there are obviously many moments where I feel afraid, miserable, in despair. I learned to pretend to be happy even during such moments because people kept accusing me of being "negative", I got told nobody wanted to be friends with me because people want happy and "bubbly" people as friends, not someone who is sad or afraid. I got basically told it was my own fault that I have no friends and that nobody wanted anything to do with me, some even accused me of having a dark cloud over me.

So I started to put on a happy face towards everybody else even when I don't feel like it. Has this gotten me any friends, anyone who cares? No - I'm in the same position as I've always been, nobody talks to me, nobody looks at me, nobody wants anything to do with me. But at least now nobody can accuse me of being "negative".

I do think however that there is a spiritual reason for all this, whether a curse or whatever it is, because I have never heard of anyone suffering so much abuse, so many attacks, and such extreme misfortune. Not even people who are extremely depressed, loners, homeless, or in any other way seen by society as "not fitting in", are confronted with constant abuse from all sides. Not even the meanest of people are being treated with such contempt. Even the worst of criminals does not get hated on sight everywhere. There must be more to it. I just don't know what it is.

When you are ready to heal then you will begin the process. I suggest you don't put barriers in front of it though, like saying you cannot heal because the pain will keep coming.

The thing is if you heal you will be able to better deal with attacks, and you will feel more safe as a result of the healing. primarily because in order to heal you have to find safety! that could come from a routine such as yours, or it can come from beliefs, like believing that no matter what happens it is Gods will. This is not the only option of course, just what came to mind first since its of the most common and easiest.

If you have faith, you don't need to worry. You let God do the worrying. Right now you believe the choices you make and the actions you take somehow make you more safe than Gods choices and actions. You believe you can do a better job of keeping you safe than God can. Maybe thats true. But what if you and God found a way to work together, then that would be pretty amazing wouldn't it. God would realize your wisdom and only complement it, tell you when you are going to an extreme like being too cautious, or not cautious enough. God wouldn't tell you to have complete faith and throw out everything you know and want to do, God would only improve everything you do to make it what best serves you.

That's the thing about people, they are always going to have their own personal opinion and they are rarely hesitant to let you know what it is. If people are saying they cannot accept you for who you are then it's better to replace them with people who can. It's tough, no doubt about it. But it's better than restricting your expression of who you are and how you feel. Freedom is always better than restriction, well, generally haha.

Shallow people tell you that you are not shallow enough for them is a blessing in disguise. Part of you wants to be in that group but the rest of your being is saying it's time to find more compassionate and wise souls to share my time with. It sucks when what you want seems to be ripped away from you, but there is a higher purpose to things and if you just follow your happy you will find the purpose. That is an important thing to recognize by the way. Your happiness is not gone, it has simply moved to somewhere else. It has moved on to new people, new activities, new emotions, it has moved elsewhere and if you keep doing what you always have you will not find it. You have to explore and experiment. You must journey.

Being the way you always were is becoming repressive and burdensome for you. it's time for a life overhaul and to discover a new way of being that is pleasing to your soul. It sounds difficult, I know, especially in the midst of pain, but it's that difficulty that makes it a worthy challenge and also a prize that you will be proud of all your life.

Living in the shadow of other peoples accusations and expectations makes finding your happiness very difficult. It becomes difficult because peoples accusations and expectations are so varied that you can never please everyone. What one person calls negative and depressing to another might be an expression of vulnerability and trust, something they respect you more for instead of thinking less of you. In order to find happiness you need to let go of caring about what other people are going to think about you. You need freedom of expression and if you are focused on what another person thinks or wants in any way you are not being 100% present and focused with yourself. Just focus on doing what makes you happy, just be yourself, to heck with what everybody else thinks or expects.

No matter what, people are going to be transient in your life. Sometimes people will fade out from your life because of work or moving or family, but in general only a few people will be with you for a significant portion of your life. One is your partner, the others are parents/children/siblings. Because people are transient, its better to just do what makes you happy and comfortable. If they dont like it then they will be around for much less time and that is a good thing. if you are not compatible as friends its better to just move on than try and force it to work. It's always better to just be yoursef, your true self, the one that is happy. If you are not happy, it's because you are restricting yourself in some way or another. Usually with your thoughts, sometimes because what you fear others might think about you.

I don't want to say what you are going through isn't bad, but you are not alone in your struggle. Many people face different kinds of pain that is chronic and constant though. It may not be contempt like you experience, but there are far worse things to experience. One thing I've learned about pain is it always surprises you. Pain will always find a way to out-do itself. You think you know pain but then nope, you experience a new level of pain that totally makes you suicidal for a period of time. I don't know when I first truly experienced that but it was probably around my early 20's. Pain so great that death became an option for dealing with it. The term "infinite pain" has come to mind many a time before when trying to describe what I felt.

To be honest I love venting about how bad things are. I think everybody secretly enjoys it (and that might be why we have therapists! haha). I feel obligated to say "this isn't a compare your pain to my pain contest", because it isnt, but at the same time its kind of obvious that our pains are different but very relatable so it doesnt have to be said. All I wanted to say is that you are not alone. Many people face a life of pain, nearly constant, sheer, overwhelming, horrible, toxic, necrotic festering bubbling pain. Many people choose to go numb since it's just too much to bear on top of other responsibilities like working and having children or being in a marriage. Anyways enough about pain. Lets talk about the lessons learned in pain!

Kensho and satori are two words that describe the process of awakening in zen buddhism. Kensho is basically learning from pain. It is the moments of insight we have after we learn a painful or difficult lesson. Satori is awakening through insight, or basically moments where you realize deep truths about life while doing everyday things like meditation or chores or work.

A life of pain has a lot of Kensho moments. Maybe it's just bad luck, a curse, that some people have a life with a lot of Kensho and only a little satori. Maybe it is due to everyone having different temperments and methods that they learn best from. Either way, Kensho is a thing and it's a good thing. There is always a possible Kensho for pain, we just have to find it.