I feel a bit indulgent with this - but nearly 2 years on - and I still grieve my dad. It wasn't that we had the closest relationships, it was one that was complicated but I'm filled with happy memories (rose-tinted glasses perhaps as i forget the difficult times
), but a phone call at the weekend with people who had known him who were talking about him and I found myself filling up.
Yes, I get on with my life, yes - it was better for him to have passed, he was old and infirm and had dementia. He had had it for 3 years and been frail before that - so I sort of "lost him" many years ago - 5 or 6 years.
I simply don't understand why it is so very very raw still, how tears can so easily be triggered. Yes, I accept it for what it is, no - I am not hard on myself for feeling this way as it is what it is. I don't know if the wrench is because it's a human condition of grief, or if he's trying to reach me and I can't hear him.
I wish I would move on - not just for my sake but for those I come in contact with as mostly I've avoided awkwardness when the tear trickles down. It's not that I want to stop missing dad, but I want to stop the emotional reaction, or manage it bettter.