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Sigh..... Yes, I understand all that. But when I close my mind to the damn thing it moves my body. It is a troublesome and very frustrating conundrum.
This has been going on for years and I didn't have the sense to try and end it, nor the knowledge, until it got out of hand and had too much control over my body.
It started with my drug use. Maybe before that, but the drug use screwed up my defense systems.
There was a voice. Then body movement if I allowed it. Then feelings of things touching me. Then forced body movement occasionally. Then forced body movement if I dated relax at all.
I know damn well I got myself into this mess, and I know that taking action is helpful, but I feel as though I'm getting pummeled into a pulp while people shout on the sidelines to just stand up and punch the other person as blood runs down my face.
I've pushed. I've shoved. I've tried closing doors. Burning them out. Blasting them out. Siphoning them out.
I've all but lost faith in any guides bothering to help me when I got overwhelmed last time and just asked them to hold a freaking energy cyclone in place so I could patch up the damn hole left in what seemed like a newly empty space in my energy field.
There is only so much focus an unknowledgable unskilled person can have while their body is thrown around and things grab at them from all directions.
I need a healer or I need something that will drain these things energy.
Or I don't know. I hardly feel as though anyone "out there" is bothered to help so it seems I'm going to have to grapple with trying to ignore them somehow. Or maybe I'll be in a better mood in a few days and be able to try energy work myself again. More likely I'll probably be crawling back desperate and out of options and still hold back knowing I'm going to be left to push this boulder up the hill in my own.
Sigh. You probably mean well and I probably imagined a tone when I was reading.
I'm sorry if I'm being rude, I'm just tired of being told I have authority over my mind and body when nobody in their right mind would say that to a person who was randomly assaulted in the street. It is a battle. They don't have manners. They don't care about crossing boundaries. I don't have the muscle or skill. And being in the middle of the fight is not the time to be trying develop it.
I'm not Christian so Jesus isn't an option for me. I have no intention of converting either. Though I do find it odd that I hear stories of new agers who go back and are allowed to be plagued with demons for some time before they are helped. Even if I could sincerely convert, I wouldn't hold my hopes too high on that one either.
Otherwise I don't know. It hardly helps morale to not feel any result, if not a full extraction. And it definitely doesn't when people end up dancing around different ideas further complicating the matter.
I don't know. I'll go through these cycles until some light dawns and change happens or I break and resign myself to a life of misery. There's nothing much else to say.
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