How we approach relationships with others has a lot to do with the relationship that we have with ourselves;
we give to others the work, or lack of work, that we have done on ourselves. We attract people into our lives
consciously, and most often unconsciously, by sending out a certain vibe, body language, or attitude.
Most people do mature in their relationship, if not very slowly. Everyone we encounter can be our teacher but
many do not learn the intrinsic value from past relationships, rather they recoil at the pain and hurt they may
have received from a bad breakup. Most people in closely held relationships are very insecure.
Just telling another person, “you belong to me,” or “you’re mine,” has a connotation of possession. We want to
be possessed by that person and we want to possess that person. This is a form of enmeshment, where each
person tries to get inside of the other person and there is no daylight between them.
In a healthy relationship, each person has their own friends and the other person is not jealous or envious of
those friends. It is healthy to give a person space in a relationship. It is difficult to truly give another person
love unless we first love ourselves. Although self-love is not narcissistic. It is akin to loving without an object
or person to love; to be in love with the life that we are regardless of our situation.
Love of self and others involves a growing process, as we move through stages of love, friendship, companionship,
romantic love, sexual love, committed love, unconditional love, etc. So there is this timeless debate; do you believe
in love at first sight? But regardless whether you believe in love at first sight or not, love is still a process, a journey.
A journey that requires patience with yourself and your mate. I know couples who enjoy taking separate vacations,
as well as taking vacations together. I think it is unfortunate that most people have hurtful bad breakups when their
relationship ends. Too many demands and expectations can ruin a relationship.
Most of what I share here I learned while working as a counselor, still that does not make it the gospel. Relationship
dynamics are basically emotional dynamics that are formed by the culture we inherited. Human relationships change
as a society changes. It might also be said that aspects of the relationships we have are inherited from our biological
parents. Again, a disclaimer, all that I have written here is theory.
