I used to be a beer binge drinker. I have been sober now for over two years. I have gone to many 12-step meetings. I know that I will never drink again because I hit my bottom and every drinker must hit bottom before they decide to quit for good. I have experienced this so it is true for me.

In A.A. we are taught to turn our will over to the care of a Higher Power. This can be anything one chooses as long as it is greater than you. We pray for the willingness to do the will of our Higher Power, circumventing the ego's wants and desires. Like Tao, A.A promotes going with the flow, keeping it simple and taking it easy...not getting too caught up in the material world.

I have found many correlations between the two paths and I sincerely think that Taoism can blend with any path; it is all-inclusive. However, who do I pray to? A.A. talks a lot about having a 'personal God,' and frankly I've never had a 'real' conversation with 'God"-though I have fantasized that I did. I think it was only my own mind speaking to me. I have found the Universal Spirit through humans, signs, synchronicities and lucid dreaming. Perhaps I am Agnostic. I do believe in the Way because I have experienced it. The totality of existence makes since to me but I have not felt that yet. I have experienced life after death and other realms of being. I have walked the pathless path and I have fallen from it. I know the difference. And I choose today to follow Tao.

But is Tao greater than me or the same as me? If we are one with Tao and everything is connected, are we not 'Gods;' are we not Tao ourselves? Are we not a microcosm of the totality of existence? However, if I made 'myself' my Higher Power from where would I draw the Power to stay sober like A.A eschews? A.A. contends that 'God' keeps us sober. But if I don't believe in God...how am I sober?

There is that fear that runs through A.A.; that if you stop going to meetings regularly you will get drunk. I don't like the meetings anymore. I'd rather hang out with other Taoists and like-minded individuals. I know in my heart I will never drink again but A.A. has brain washed me a bit and I am a little afraid of not sticking with the program.

I seek to connect with the Power that is Tao. I don't have to understand it. And I can't name it. I wonder if it's loving and close...or far away and detached. Will it allow a personal relationship or must I rely on only the proverbs in the Tao Te Ching? What does Tao mean...is it everything and nothing? Is it infinity?

I can not grasp Tao. But I want to love it and I want it to love me. Does it know me, does it see me? Is it just energy...the energy of creation and the void from which creation is birthed? That would be everything and nothing...like yin and yang. Perhaps I have been conditioned by childhood western Christianity and A.A. to think there is a God because it is comfortable but in my heart of hearts I think Tao is greater than any God. Or are thy the same words meaning th same thing? I personally recoil from the word. 'God.'

Alan Watts was an active drunk until he died, yet I love his Tao books. I'm glad I'm sober because I couldn't handle life t all when I sucked down a 12 pack.
I seek the peace of knowing, yet Tao tells me not to strive for this. I am a bit lost and confused. Been that way all my life...I just don't understand the world at all. And this gives me a since of loneliness and anxiety.