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Hi and Welcome, you have a very interesting mix of Higher Awareness experiences mixed with ingrained dogma, I can understand why you are feeling mixed, muddled and generally frustrated.
Another way of saying it is - you're over thinking.
My 1st Guru used to say to me "You can't think your way out of this, because your thinking got you into it!"
He would then laugh himself silly and drive me nuts with that laughter, it was like he knew the greatest secret in the world and I couldn't crack his New World Zen Koan.
Eventually I did, and now share his laughter. It really is the thinking that is your block, you're brain has usurped control so ego can stay in power. You are not your brain tho, nor are you your body. You are an energy Being (Spirit) having a temporary human experience, which includes for this act of the Great Stage, a human brain operating system and a body vehicle.
So maybe come at this from a different angle - Discover the LOVE that you actually are and all the rest will fall into place.
Read Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth" or a similar book which delves into what the egoaic structure is and how to get behind the mask of the brain to reach the eternal Spirit your really are, when you do that you will discover the great secrets that will set you Free, bring Peace and Joy as a constant state of beingness.
And yes, you can do it alone, inside is where the answers are found, and only you can go inside you, behind your brain and discover the YOU you always are and have been behind the illusion of the thinking mind. We all have to do it alone and when we make that inward Journey, we discover we are not and never have been nor can be - Alone.
Jesus said "A man can have (list a whole bunch of corporeal sparklie things) but hath not Love then he is nothing."
Discover the LOVE to fit the much needed piece into your well researched puzzle.
Cheers!
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