[A human Being]

Originally Posted by pluralone

In part, it's just the way I dealt with negative emotions for most of my life. Avoidance became a habit pretty much as soon as I was able to form habits, and I didn't learn the tools I needed to change it until I was in my thirties. I've used those tools a LOT since then, but my default response is still avoidance, which is easy and natural compared to the effort of using my tools. Say the old habit is like flipping a light switch; the mindful response requires I take out my toolbox and repair the switch before it can be used. So 'easy' is a key word here.

Mindful living requires an on-going commitment, for sure, because unconsciousness is such an ingrained habit and very easy to slip into. Important to have faith in the process, I think, I know in my own experience I often doubt whether it's really having an effect, if I'm just wasting my time, and so on, especially when progress seems slow or even non-existent.

'Control' is another good word, equally applicable in emotional circumstances that include other people. Long as I hang on to (avoid) my own emotions, I feel in control of the situation. Baring those emotions with the person to whom I'm responding (or avoiding responding) takes the control out of my hands and opens up all sorts of unknowns: How will the other person respond? What if the other person gets angry? Pretty scary stuff, at least as I look at it from the avoidance perspective.

Right, what if you express your true feelings and the other person doesn't react in a supportive way, ridicules you, maybe even rejects you outright? We're social animals so we do tend to fear ostracism, no (wo)man is an island and all that. But then if we can't express our true feelings to others, our relationships are never going to be very fulfilling - I got to a point where I felt like I was forever having to wear a mask and it just became dispiriting, not to mention draining, and I would typically avoid social interactions because I'd rather be alone than have to keep up a pretence. First and foremost I think it's vital to feel at peace within oneself, and that means embracing rather than pushing away your emotional experience; when you can do that, it gets easier to express your feelings to others I think.

Those are subconscious reasons, mind you. Ever since I learned the healthier tools for dealing with negative emotions, my goal has been (and remains) to take the more direct, mindful route to the best of my ability. At this point in my life I'm willing enough, but I'm not always able. Because... reasons. =-)

That's the case for most of us I should think - such is life :) But with practice those moments happen with far less frequency.