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Originally Posted by pluralone
I'm gonna echo OEN here: Your determination to solve this problem in what ever way will work (which, I'm certain you're right, turns out to be a matter of learning self love and acceptance) speaks volumes regarding your true nature, which is quite frankly magnificent, imo.
Yeesh I got goose bumps. It's exciting when folks share their processes!
One more thing: You said, "I am tired of questioning why I am not good enough for anyone." When I first started working toward self love, someone suggested I take a look at where my negative self-judgments had originated. Many, if not most, of the things I said to myself (unworthy, stupid, unlovable, etc) were based on things my family had said to me time and again since I was a child.
This is a fact: Those things were lies.
Same person as mentioned before also suggested that I take a good look at photos of myself as a child, then ask myself if that child deserved such negative judgments. She also suggested that I go sit by a playground and watch young children at play and imagine their families saying those same things to them. Would any of them deserve that?
So I asked my mother for old photos of me. First thing I noticed was that I had been neither a 'fat' nor 'ugly' child. Good grief I was a cutie! Oh man the outrage I felt, looking at my young self and remembering all the cruel things I'd been told about my looks, my weight (normal, turns out), my lack of worth, etc. Then when I went to the park and watched the kids playing there I just sat in my car and cried gallons of tears, in part because I knew that at least some of them were probably hearing the same lies from their own families.
Really a difficult time for me, but very enlightening and freeing as well.
If you do any of the above, hellabomer, I'd strongly suggest you not go it alone. It could be very intense, and it could help relieve some of that if you were able to talk with someone about what you're going through -- a tether in the present time.
Truly difficult processes, but well worth the pain and effort.
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That's such a beautiful response. And I am surprised. I have often tried to look at my childhood pictures and remember all the negative self-talks. It feels strange. Makes me want to break down. I have never been able to fully immerse myself into that. Mainly because I separate that kid from myself. Even though we are one. I am thinking of going through the entire process, as you suggested. :)
And I have faced something critical a few times, but not to an extreme extent. I think, the only person who has been an absolute *** to me is my own damn self.
Honestly, when a good bond ends like that, without any particular reason, just out of nowhere, your mind wants to rationalize and understand. When I am not able to understand another human, I choose to put the entire blame on myself by nitpicking my flaws and pinpointing my weaknesses. It's much easier that way. Simply because my mind is able to rationalize that, but not the sudden harshness of someone I love. And I guess, that self-loathing certainly intensifies my depression.