[LoveAllBeings]

I'm somehow healing from the deepest depression and addiction problems imagineable. I don't really see it as healing, it feels more like deepening self acceptance, love and kindness which creates a safe space for split off soul fragments to resurface and be reintegrated. The words don't do it any justice, it feels much kinder and more loving than the way I described it.

With the emotional numbness what happens is any emotion that surfaces is greeted with loving kindness and held in unconditional acceptance and I can instantly observe the shallow breathing change to deep breathing and its like a sigh of relief, like Id been suffocating and now can breathe. Or you know when you're crying and you get that air hunger so you breathe really deeply and it feels like relief. Like the emotion has been released and its time to breathe new life force energy into its place.

For a while there I was waking up and seeing a black entity above me. My minds thinking I should be panicking and scared but instead I just feel love for the demons. Some days I be walking around and I feel love for everyone, theres a kind of understanding with it. Im starting to love myself regardless of whether I even like myself, this love doesnt require me to like myself because its unconditional. I don't need to do anything to be worthy of it, I don't need to be anything other than me.

I went from hating myself on such a deep level my mind was constantly visualising stabbing myself in the chest with a knife to loving myself in a way just because I can. Im not so grounded in it, I can switch to self condemnation fast but the thing is I can catch myself and go into loving kindness also. I didn't do anything to "earn" this, its not an achievement or accomplishment, it feels more like a blessing and I'm the one blessing myself. Thats what it feels like :) The glowing feeling in my heart makes me wanna give.

I dunno how I jumped from negativity to this but it does seem to be connected to loving kindness towards everything. It feels like compasssion is the key. I was at a depression support group a few weeks ago and the group gave me feedback, it was really nice how they were trying to help but the words were very out of sync with my experience. One guy described me being clean as having won the fight against addiction. I didnt win any fight and in my experience fighting against addiction makes it worse because you're only fighting yourself. IME the way through addiction is self acceptance, on the surface theres many kinds of addictions but under the surface its all addiction to escaping from oneself so self acceptance uproots the desire to escape. Another person told me Im putting up a great fight with the depression. In my experience fighting the depression makes it worse because once again, its only yourself youd be fighting which drains energy and causew more self inflicted hurt. Self acceptance resolves the need for your mind and body to create the depression state to protect you from pain. Accepting oneself means accepting the feelings, when you can accept the feelings the energy can be in motion again and the depression lifts.

It can feel like a battle changing the old depressive patterns and bringing in new healthy patterns but compassion and love seems to work so much better than fighting because it feels good. I fought myself and lost the fight its okay because I seem to have found another way.