Wow, this thread really struck a chord for me at just the right time - thanks, psychegrl
Particularly what you said about panic attacks and how they're a symptom of your heart trying to open, I've experienced a lot
of anxiety this year and that's the conclusion I came to, too. Just last night I became acutely aware of both an intense fear and also an intense sadness (it was very hard to prize them apart, though maybe it's a mistake to even try to do so, I'm not sure), and it brought to mind an Adyashanti quote I posted in the Spirituality subforum:
'Even a self that's afraid and barricaded and hidden, and doesn't really want to let anything in, even a self that's really hiding craves its own kind of intimacy... it's pushing away, but it's craving at the same time. It's craving to be really in some way met, deeply touched, and yet so many human beings are afraid of the very thing they crave and they want.'
Ugh, and it feels like that conflict between intensely desiring and fearing that intimacy is playing off in my solar plexus right now, it's grim :/ I've been aware for a while now of a long-repressed grief right there in that area, and the nausea I can feel there is... well, nauseating, funnily enough
I've also become aware of the extent to which my head and heart aren't in alignment, I think because I have such deeply-ingrained patterns of self-judgment that go back to childhood; on some level I'm telling myself, 'It's not all right to feel this, you've got to stuff it down!' Ugh, what a mess... though of course that thought isn't helping, I've got to bypass my thinking mind altogether because it don't know jack (thinks it does, but it really needs to shut the fug up... mind you, that's just more thought... ARGH, I feel like stabbing my brain with a crochet needle!).
Anyway, sorry, I'm waffling. I also resonated strongly with what you said about not playing with old energies and ideas, though I try not to think of it in terms of 'getting rid of' lower vibrations such as fear, anger, loss, victimhood, etc. (ie negativity) - 'what you resist, persists', and all that (though yes, I'm a big fat hypocrite!). I think of it more in terms of not indulging them when they inevitably do arise, withdrawing energy from them and just allowing myself to relax and feel what's being unconsciously repressed by those conditioned patterns of thinking and feeling.
Anyway, thanks again for the thread and it sounds to me like you're on the right track, which is great
(The other thing that strongly resonated was what you said about finding the right teacher/information at the right time, because in the past few days I've stumbled upon a Youtube channel called The Diamond Net
and I've very quickly come to have so much love and respect for this amazing, articulate, all-round beautiful woman, it's like she's come along at just the right time for me :) Her name's Emerald [unusual but lovely name, isn't it?] - and wouldn't you know it, a poster called EMERALDheart has posted on this thread!)