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Originally Posted by Shivani Devi
Hello all...I didn't know what other title to give this.
It is true that we are not a product of our experiences and change can be actuated, however I've also reached an understanding that perception IS limited to experience.
All day I've had another teach me...saying that I should be doing 'more of this and less of that' and outlining the basics for spiritual development, without understanding much, if anything about me as a person, really...and while I agree with him on all counts, I find an inner conundrum arising.
When I was a child, if I ever fell down, scraped my knee, hurt myself...I had those kinds of parents; "you clumsy oaf...watch where you are going...why are you crying? stop it NOW...get up, dust yourself off...show no emotion...emotion is for weaklings.." even "stop crying and blabbering right now, or I'll give you something to REALLY cry about and teach you what pain IS (takes off belt)..." and as such, I was never allowed to show emotion...never allowed to express myself or what I felt...and anything I wanted to do 'on my own' without approval or it being 'their idea' was always "stupid" or "ridiculous"...and 'other people' were not worthy of being loved (I was NEVER shown any affection) their catchcry; "familiarity breeds contempt" and "all humans are barbaric animals"...yeah, I was raised by a pair of asocial narcissists who enforced "being unquestioningly correct ALL the time" with corporal punishment.
So, I grew up totally detached from EVERYTHING basically and my emotions all internalised, leading to Somatoform and Conversion disorders way down the track as symptomatic and under the heading of CPTSD.
Thus, I cannot really relate to any of the 'spiritual concepts' others have about empathy, compassion, expressing emotion, feeling love...and yet, I am still spiritual regardless because I realised the whole totally subjective nature of the personal reality and "insane individuals living in their own universe where others can do absolutely NOTHING about it" through this whole experience and it's coming to fruition as my mother is suffering the early stages of dementia...it's obvious SHE knows what she is talking about - even if nobody else does.
I've learned that I cannot change what happened...I cannot feel what I cannot feel...and wanting to feel it doesn't make any difference...it's either 'there' or 'not there' and while most people make plans for ten years in the future (which never eventuates), I just live from day to day...from meal to meal, like an animal...but I've also reached the conclusion that this is a GOOD thing! to just take life 'as it comes' and adjust/adapt TO that, rather than trying to facilitate change, which is often an exercise in total futility anyway.
So now, my family wants me to move to Tasmania when they move, in a years time, but I am happy where I am and don't want to go...they are like "a family should stick together and be in close proximity...it will be GOOD for you" but all I can hear is "you MUST to come to Tasmania to give us respite from looking after mum, like you are doing currently"...yep, I am being USED again and I also realise I must put my foot down and say "ENOUGH! I will do whatever I want to do...not whatever it is you all WANT me to do"...but that will be seen as being a huge snub, when it isn't intended as such...but they will see it that way and I couldn't care less...but somehow, I'm still bothered by it.
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