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First of all, if your personal reasons are not "because I can't afford it right now" then get therapy. If you can't afford private, then try to find some resources that are available to help you that is not private counselling. I don't know where you live so I can't suggest any options but that is my first, best advice to you.
The reason is because you have many things that you are struggling with and therapy will help you learn coping methods. You have a lot to go through and therapy will help you keep your balance when you need to be regrounded.
You should know that therapy is never my first suggestion to people but in this case, I see so many benefits for you that you can't even imagine yet.
You've asked a few questions in your first paragraph "why do I feel these things?" and "why shouldn't I feel so bad about myself".
You are not alone in feeling violence in daydreams. I experienced it daily after my dad died. I have even had a similar daydream about forcing someone to be quiet while I made them listen. This was to a work person and I asked for it of my boss who said yes, they would arrange it. Suddenly, I no longer needed it.
These things helped me to understand that it was a part of me crying out, screaming to be heard, screaming at injustice. It was the clear validation that I received from my boss that helped me understand this... I was vindicated, I was accepted, I was treated unjustly and my wounds were being acknowledged.
With the violence after my dad died, I'm afraid that I just had to ride that out. It was for the same reasons though - I was suffering an injustice that had not been acknowledged sufficiently. The only one who could acknowledge that one though was me. So I had to slowly and gently allow myself to feel my pain and recognize it was real and it was just.
I don't know if you relate to any of that but perhaps similar things are happening in your psyche? That you have did not feel validated, vindicated or had the acknowledgement you needed?
To your urge to run, this makes complete sense to me... your entire #2 was describing feeling trapped. This seems similar to #1 to me because you are still not being acknowledged and can't take the assertive stance because you worry about the one you love. This, by the way, is part of codependence. Another thing that many people suffer from - feeling responsible for another person's emotions. You might also want to ask about this in therapy too.
It seems a lot of you is crying for acknowledgement. Maybe start some exercises where you journal what you would want to happen that would actually move the emotion to a different place... or where you note through the day the things that trigger you to feeling these things and then have a session with yourself where you try to see the underlying connection between things. Knowledge is power.
Another thing I would recommend to you is a regular routine of guided meditations. Because you daydream, it would be important to be guided so you could focus your mind. Find ones on youtube that help clarity and connection and you may find you are spontaneously learning more steps you can take that will bring you answers.
Finally...
Why should you not feel so bad about yourself?
You are THE most important person in your life. You need YOU. You need to do what it takes to feel better about yourself. You are THE ONLY person who is going to do it and you are the ONLY person who should do it.
You need to take the care you need, and you deserve it because there is only one of you and you need to treat that unique, special individual with all the love you can muster. Maybe it's not as big as it can be right now, but you must give it everything you can.
You'll get better at it, so long as you keep moving.
Not "moving on"... just 'moving'.
<3
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