It is my hope that one day, I will be able to understand who I am by excluding everything who I am not - a process of elimination.
Just as I manage to lose a few "labels", others around me seem to notice that gaping vacuum which nature abhors, then they fall over each other seeking to fill it in with their own perceptions....so, my first understanding of who I am not is this:
"I am not who I think that you think that I am".
Yeah, if I am working on trying to lose my identity, others don't get to give me one either or else, what is the whole point of it?
I have already pretty much disidentified with race, species, gender and age...that was the easy part... however maintaining equanimity in the face of "armchair/keyboard warriors" is difficult, but I am getting there.
The proliferation of opinions others tout as being incontrovertible truths only goes to illustrate how flimsy the veil of illusion actually is...it can snap into self realization at any given moment.
My ego can identify with many things still... but if we are to honestly believe some of those aforementioned opinions, even those given by notable psychiatrists of yore, without an ego, who "we" are would simply cease to exist.... however what ceases to exist is only who we believe ourselves to be, notwithstanding the whole notion of "I am a Divine Being" or somesuch.
The experience needs to be had without any thought or contemplation of "Who am I?" because the dog also often thinks to itself "I am my own tail".
However, I will concede that my habitual use of illeism (referring to myself in the third person), stems more from all of the literary sources of information and the cultural background I have been exposed to throughout my life rather than being any specific narcissistic personality trait.
It is just very difficult for me to find that fine line which exists between "taking ownership/responsibility for my words and deeds" vs "making it all about ME"....I never learned to be able to make that distinction due to a Pervasive Developmental Disorder and so, referring to myself in the third person was just easier somehow.
However, because this habit of mine tends to infuriate others into a blind rage (as does making any personal reference to myself), I will speak to a REAL psychiatrist with the necessary diagnostic qualifications and undergo some kind of psychotherapy to rid myself of it once and for all.
OMG! I just looked online to try and find resources to help me with breaking the habit of illeism....and in doing so, I discovered why it is I became so dissociated from any and all notions of a "personal self" to begin with:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illeism
"Jnana yoga actually encourages its practitioners to refer to themselves in the third person. Young children in Japan commonly refer to themselves by their own name.."
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.p...m=Main.Illeism
It is only a "verbal/written tic" and nothing more than that...it is the way my brain has been wired for communication however, it comes across as sounding to others like I am being vain, arrogant and egocentric when I am only trying to imply the opposite by not being rude. It is a "cultural thing" which is more accepted and acceptable in Hindu and Buddhist countries than in Christian ones... the former sees it as a sign of humility...the latter as a sign of egotism. The former sees it as a sign of spiritual attainment...the latter as a sign of serious mental illness....this is very strange isn't it?
Of course all of this is off topic when viewed from one perspective and hits to the heart of the topic when viewed from another perspective...who am I?
I am NOT the one who believes that my perspective is superior or inferior to anybody else's perspective because ALL perspectives never tell the full of true story anyway.
Two negations down...millions more to go...