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Originally Posted by kerrybear
@AHumanBeing Thankyou, seriously.... just knowing someone understands, without advice, is enough. There is not a single person in real life I could talk to about this (apart from my healer / psychic and she is £40 an hour haha). All of my friends are glad he is out of my life as he hurt me so badly, and would completely poohpooh the notion of twin flames. It is a physical hurt being around people and not being able to talk about him.
As to lashing out; that is exactly what I did a month ago and is what caused him to block me completely on Facebook / email / whatsapp, and to block my phone number. I messaged him on the dating site we both use calling him a ******* donut for trying to find someone to replace me, and trying to date when he is early on in recovery, so I know all about how destructive that behaviour is now. It is tempting to bypass the blocks somehow (letter, new phone number) just to say Hi and sorry, but I am trying with all of my energy to respect his wishes. I hate the fact that he dislikes me so much though. Grrrrr.
Love and light to you, and anyone else going through this.
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I really am just eternally grateful for this place, I honestly don't know what I'd have done at times without the love and support of a good few posters - like you say, it make such a difference to be able to talk these things over with people who understand, and I'm glad you can find that here too
As for the lashing out, I did it myself and almost instantly regretted it, I said some truly nasty, unfair things in the heat of the moment and when I reflected upon it afterwards I couldn't
believe I'd said such things, it just seemed so out-of-character for me. What I came to realise was that it was basically an extreme reaction to feelings of intense hurt and rejection, though it wasn't until months later that I fully appreciated that fact because the red mist had descended so quickly - at the time is seemed that the anger was my first response, but actually it was secondary and that intense pain was primary, and I'm only just now in a position where I can work through those feelings all the way (he says with considerable trepidation!). So if you do feel negativity arising in whatever form (anger, bitterness, resentment, etc.), take that as a sign that there's some unresolved pain in you; drop your attention into your body and see if you can trace the negativity to its source - I found in myself that it manifests as a specific point of tension, as though there's a balled fist in a certain part of your body, and you have to allow that fist to unclench in order to feel exactly what is being resisted.
Hopefully that's helpful to you, I'm always wary of sounding like a know-it-all :o As far as getting back in touch with him goes, I would say that if you feel there's something you absolutely need to say (maybe you want to explain your actions and apologise, say), then maybe you just need to say it. I know there have been times where I've fought the impulse to say something, until it reached a point whereby I was feeling just the most awful anxiety and I simply
had to speak my mind. Of course after I'd said my piece I hoped it would herald the start of a reconciliation but that isn't how it worked out - but regardless, I felt at peace because I'd unburdened myself without resorting to finger-pointing and animosity. Ultimately you'll know what you need to do, though, so listen to your inner guidance - love and light to you, too, and take good care of yourself
(Your £40 bill for the session is winging its way to you - I'm kidding, I'm kidding
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