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Old 03-10-2017, 09:11 PM
kerrybear kerrybear is offline
Seeker
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 34
 
Completely self-indulgent; my day of catharsis and signs- please help me make sense

So, the man I think is my twin flame lives about 25 miles from me. I haven't heard from him in six weeks, since he emailed me and told me he wanted me to leave him alone, in quite nasty terms. I haven't been to the town he lives in since July - and every time I have driven within a few miles of his town in the last six weeks I have felt such strong energy I have felt panicked and shaky and sick.

I was feeling a lot stronger over the past couple of weeks, even managing to listen to music we had shared in better times, so I thought it would be a good time to put some demons to rest and take a visit to where he lives. It is a very spiritual place, and to be honest I have missed it. We went on our first date to a peace garden there with a fresh water spring and I have felt a strong urge to return and charge my crystals, so I arranged to meet a friend there yesterday.

She cancelled Sunday night and I had a crisis about whether to go anyway. I pulled the ace of cups trying to make up my mind, so, with this good omen I went yesterday. I was obviously in the back of my mind convinced I would bump into him - I am human after all, and this thought excited me.

I arrived at exactly 11:11 for a start - this made me smile. I was unsure how painful it was going to be going back to the place we had our first date; it felt particularly poignant as we visited together in the spring, and here I was again, alone, with autumn leaves all around and heavy clouds.

But it felt so right to be wandering around, and peaceful, and uplifting. I found the spot where we spent most of our time there, under an old, gnarled apple tree on a wooden double seat, and sat there and meditated. I pictured a beam of white light coming down over me - pink light from my heart, roots in the ground. I felt him next to me almost immediately, a prickling feeling down my right side, his hand in mine. I sent the light down over him too, and then our heart chakras connected; energy flowing from mine to his and back again, via a point above us, like a triangle. The energy flowing through my heart unblocked his and vice versa, it was like we were both being washed through. I could have stayed there like that forever, I probably did for about 30 minutes, I hadn't felt so content in a long time. I tore myself away in the end, went and charged my crystals in the spring, giving thanks to him for coming into my life. For the lessons he has taught me. But I felt like the right hand side of my body was torn and aching once I left him there.

I then went and sat and read in a pagoda he had sent me a photo of before we met - the first thing I spotted was a red thread someone had tied to the side of it. Another 11:11 sign :) But I started feeling lonely then, and thought I should head off whilst the vibe was still positive for me.

I felt positive all of yesterday - truly close to surrender, knowing that I could be happy without him and happy for him wherever he was and whatever he was doing.

Today I have crashed; my ego is on the rampage - I am sick with jealousy as I know he is searching for a new partner, wondering whether he thinks about me, feeling desperate and depressed knowing he probably doesn't, as he is doing his best to block me out of his life completely. I feel stupid too, like I have made up the idea he is in my soul family or is my twin flame to give myself comfort. Wondering if I am just insane and bitter and unable to let go in a healthy way. I want to set up a new email account and message him; pleading and getting angry. I won't, don't worry, but the temptation is so strong. I just want him to see me and feel me.

You deserve a medal if you have got this far, and my thanks. I don't know what to expect from posting this really, just getting it out I suppose. And knowing that people are listening who aren't going to judge me, think I am crazy and tell me to get over it.
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