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"He said he had to go (he was meeting a friend for a beer who he hadn't seen in a while) and I continued to express how much I didn't want him to, without ever pressuring him." If continuing to express how much you didn’t want him to (go, see his friend) isn’t pressure – what is it? That looks like quite a bit of pressure to me – especially due to the state you were in. It was also manipulative.
How do you think you might come to arrive at a clearer picture of your behavior that day and the expectations you have of your BF? You clearly have them. Are they fair? Appropriate?
I think it is important to own your dramas and come to understand the difference between a boyfriend and a therapist. It doesn’t seem like the proper boundaries were in place on your side. You can't have a therapist and a boyfriend in the same person and I didn't see anywhere in your post that he is a therapist. It seems you have some unresolved stuff that has nothing to do with him. Might you benefit from seeking professional help with some of your issues?
Your relationship with him is its own living thing - it stands independently of you both because you two created it - and its health is dependent on what you both bring to it (or keep from it). In this case – it is being tormented by your dramas. If you can try to look at your relationship with him in a way that you can see that it is not only alive, but separate from you both – you might begin to evaluate what you bring to it and what you chose to resolve outside it. It’s one thing to communicate openly and honestly while still owning and being responsible for personal stuff. It’s another to express unfair and inappropriate expectations, and that’s what I see that you did.
You wrote "On the one hand, I understand that this is probably completely fair behavior. On the other, the idea of ever walking out on someone I loved or cared about in that state is something I simply cannot fathom. I simply wouldn't possess the capability to do so, no matter who it was." I’m not sure you do understand. Because if you did truly understand – you would be able to fathom the idea of honoring your plans to see an old friend – even while your partner was in a “state”.
You are not and certainly were not a victim. And he didn’t make you a victim by choosing to go see his friend. He didn't make the decision to leave on the spot while he was with you. It was and had been a plan. You have to own your interpretations – how you interpret his behavior (life for that matter) – is on you. That doesn’t mean your interpretations will always be correct. Were you suicidal? Because if that’s the case – then I really hope for your sake – and for your BF’s sake - that you will reach out to a Dr. for help. Or were you being selfish? That he could and did leave doesn't make him a bad guy. It showed you that he has boundaries and sticks to his morals.
He offered you an opportunity to return to integrity before he left, and you didn't take it. That's on you as is your behavior while he was there.
Emotionally healthy adults are usually interested in a balancing act of give and take, equal partnership (though the pendulum swings both ways always) and honest and open friendship and communication. Being honest with Self is where it begins. Owning your personal internal dramas and taking responsibility for them to resolve them (rather than trying to distribute their weight) with compassion for self is the honorable challenge.
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