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Hi guys,
Thank you very much for all of the comments - they are very useful and are really helping me to understand.
So in response - these are all of the events that I am aware of.
The 'proof' of me being a bad person was mentioned here and yes, completely. You know what, that is exactly what it is. This is why I am wanting to vocalise it. Just to have it confirmed.
I have been through hell (really) the most difficult month of my life. I really really understand why people kill themselves now. I had 0 comfort. Pain 24/7. I would wake up and feel it, it would then gradually increase all day, I would occasionally cry a little bit whilst holding back at work, I would run home from work because I couldn't bear my own thoughts, I would get in and just cry from relief but also because the feelings were now intensified, which would bring on more pain. I shut myself off to everyone, did not want to sleep because I knew the pain would be there tomorrow and my dream were just me drowning.
Wow. And you know what? As soon as I got any sense of relief from this period which seemed infinite... I wanted to be back in it. I craved this intense pain. I wanted it.
I notice this with everything, every 'problem' I have in my life or body, I want it. From an egoic perspective I guess it is sadistic but yesterday I had a breakthrough with all of this. I have been gradually accepting these things and then I finally just went towards my worst fear (that I was a pedofile and a sadist/psychotic/sociopath of some kind). I just thought, why not? It feels as though I'm being guided towards this - this is the fear I have. What have I learnt recently about fear? What has fear and darkness brought me? It brought me into the light, into the peace and bliss.
Granted this wasn't my intention. I was terrified for weeks that this was the thing that I would discover about myself and that my entire life was just a big sick joke. This was the reason I had had all of these problems in my life.
I ignored all of that. Ignored all of the narrative. Well, not so much ignoring as just looking at this thing without judgement. As soon as I dropped the judgement and started inviting this thing in I felt this dark presence come over me. If I am to describe it, it felt dark, almost evil and all of the things I said it was, but really it was just me. It is nothing.
The more I brought this thing into my body, the more the orgasmic energy moved around my body, the more physical energy I got overall and the more I just started laughing and wanted to scream as if I had finally woken up.
I kept experiencing without judgement and it was incredible.
I did feel a bit possessed but I stay with love and acceptance the best I could but mainly just non judgement.
And what did this thing want to do? Nothing. It didn't want anything. It just wanted to be heard.
The ego - haha wow!
From past realizations I can only say the same thing again. Look into the things that trouble you the most. Let them be experienced without judgement (removing the ego's projections) and from there you are bound to find truth, experience the self/divine, whatever you want to call it. I'm done judging and trying to label things right now. My brain created this monster. Now I am working with it, it is me, there is no monster. There is no separation. It just wanted a voice!!!
I have a lot more work to do of course and I will be going as deep as possible but this time I will check myself on my general mental health/wellbeing as honestly I was being hit with suicidal thoughts quite a lot. Also I had a really bad pressure headache that lasted throughout the past few weeks. Well when I let this thing finally have its say, I felt the headache being softly, energetically fragmented, dispersed.
I honestly feel as though this was a huge teacher for me. I have been arrogant and in my ego for quite some time now (even using spirituality to make myself seem more 'advanced' than other people). Well the universe knows how to seemingly kick you into place. I was on the path, I was feeling peace and joy, learning about myself, this was finally IT. I was finally having an awakening and it was amazing. Then the awakening becomes that I am a pedofile!! Wow, talk about a plot twist.
Of course this was not true and I started understanding that none of it is true, none of the narratives we like to fill our minds with.
The biggest thing for me has been pointed out - worthlessness. This is the thing I am scared to let go of. Right now I am completely ready to go in and face it but I will not do this arrogantly again lol.
Thank you once more. You cannot understand the value of receiving feedback like this. Again, I have a lot of work to do. I need to understand this side and integrate it. There are great tools here.
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