First I have to say thank you all for your responses. The past year has definitely been a long hard road for me and I really want a detour. lol


Serenity Bear, it's funny that you say that about men because I was recently in counseling and she asked me what type of men my ex's were. It's funny because I realized that I seem to find men that at first seem nice, caring, loving, funny, charasmatic, etc, like me. Come to find out these men are controlling, manipulative, liars, cheaters and mentally abusive who like to play games. The odd thing that I have noticed is this; once our relationship ends, they find absolute happiness with someone else. It's strange to me, so I think most of the time maybe it's just something with me? My aunt calls me a lightening bug. She says that they see something that is beautiful and glowing and they want to keep it for themselves only for no one else to have. Eventually they put me in a jar and when that happens they smother me. At first I didn't get this, however I am starting to see what she said.
I am pretty sure what she means is that I attract a certain amount of attention to myself because of my nature, my personality. When I do find someone that I am interested in who is also interested in me at first things are great, but after a while they become jealous of me, my time, my attention and then start to attempt to shut me off from other people. This has happened to every man that I have been with since I was 15. She doesn't think and neither do I that most men and most women can handle me. I seem to attract the same types of friends as well.

I am very good at helping people because I can see right through them. I am not the beat around the bush kind of person either when it comes to insight when asked for my opinion. So as you can imagine I tell people things that their soul needs to hear at times but the minds, their ears are not ready to listen. Unfortunately this only works for other people and I am extremely bad on taking my own ques from life.

Ironically enough, you mentioned that you wanted to get into criminal psychology and I am currently studying to be a counselor, actually a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. I have taken two psychology courses one psych 101 class and the class that I am currently in is abnormal psychology 205. I can tell you that when you delve into these kinds of things your whole perspective on people can change. Also I have found that according to psychology...everyone is messed up in their minds in some way shape or form..lol I say that jokingly, but I am quite serious. What I have also found out about counseling for most counselor's it is a game of let's see how much we can ** the client into thinking that their problems are minimal and that their lives are fine. That is of course unless they have a "true mental disorder", then medicate and continue therapy for a prolonged period of time. I know that seems like a "bad outlook", but I don't think that most people, most counselor's, most therapists, most psychologist really have any kind of handle on how the mind truly seems to work. I don't claim to know everything, but what I do know hurts my brain. As I said though according to psychology, everyone has some kind of mental disorder, however I think that this kind of "diagnosing" as in the DSM IV-TR, is done because they want to make sure that they can cover every possible angle on a person's mind, personality and body as much as they can so that they feel more self important when it comes to diagnosis and they keep more people under social control with labels. It's sad really. There are only probably about a handful of people on this earth at the moment who do have a true mental disorder, they even hint about that in the books that I have read because of the information that they give you. Speaking of ego, psychologists seem to be the most ego driven individuals I have ever encountered. I think that when it comes to naming what they call disorders or issues of the mind, they then develop a "god like" complex and honestly in their minds they think they have it all figured out. However most of psychology is nothing but theory and contradictions. No one person, no one scientist and no one psychologist truly know what our minds are capable of.

I have read two books by Eckhardt Tolle and they are really good with identifying the ego and the ego driven mind, but like I said before, I am really good with helping people, but when it comes to myself...fuggedaboutit. I am my own worst enemy.

I also just read this entire post that I wrote and I am pretty sure that I need to start developing a better outlook on life.