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Originally Posted by MutedBlue
My life has been a serious of challenges who's hasn't? But because of living at home with a narcissist parent until the age of 40 (still living in the childhood home after parents passed). Having a psychotic break at 17, my mother living at home schitzo affective and in a psychosis for six years, and now my diabetes is in bad shape. Because of my bipolar, I haven't worked or dated in 20 years. If I try I stop eating, sleeping, and can't stop thinking and end up in the hospital. Living a small simple life is what kept me hospital free for 13 years. Okay that is my history. Now my question. I am disillusioned by life, not just because I can't participate in a regular life, but just how things are out in the world and with a lot of people, I am only interested in the afterlife. I am only comforted by ideas, fiction and non fiction, of what's after dying. Angels fascinate me. I've tried, really tried to accept and live life as I'm able to. I am very grateful for what I do have. But its empty. I am hollow. I can't afford another dog. I don't feel joy or love. I am in treatment, on stabilizing medication, but I've been waiting to die for 20 years. Has anyone else felt this way. That the only hope of living is after death?
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Wow I have been trying to explain this to people for yrs. I too am bipolar. My life here on earth has been challenging. I have been judged all my life. I'm not a people person, I hate sunshine. Love the clouds, rain, thunder and snow. Love night time. I hate to go outside. I just would rather be alone then to be apart of this hateful world. All I think about is the afterlife. I read about it all the time. When spirits say they are happier on the other side. I get jealous and emotional. If I knew that I wasn't going to have to be reincarnated. I would take my life right now so I could go home. Nothing in the world means more to me then getting off this earth so I can be happy😢😢😢😢 I hate myself for this.