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One of the greatest things I heard after I was grown and a product of divorce was, it was not my fault.
I extend that to you. It was not your fault, it wasn't anything to do with you.
As children, we absorb and take on so much of what is not ours. Guilt, shame, blame.
In time, we learn we need to set ourselves free
Thank you. I know, now, that it isn't about me. For so long I hated myself, thought I was bad...and all that rot. But I am fully in a different place and I know my own goodness. The last time I saw my mother was when she was kicking me out of her house after I went there to escape a flood. She was giving me her litany, "you're just....[insert cruel language] you're soo..[more cruel language]." and I turned to her and said very calmly. "You don't know me." And it was utterly freeing. I could see myself and I could see that she couldn't and never had.
Her hateful messages had no power over me any more because I knew who I was and what she said just didn't fit. And yet, those years of living with her affected me deeply and helped shape me. Part of who I am today is in response to her,, and in some ways I am still handicapped because of the past, but it just is, and I deal with it the best I can. I don't think I am resentful...we are all shaped, but we also make choices that affect how we are shaped. I could have identified with her, for instance, and become cruel,
but I chose not to go that way. I am proud of myself for the choices I've made and for the growth I've achieved. And I am so, so, so thankful for the opportunities and blessings that have come my way. I am also sad that my mother is so stuck, so unhappy, so cruel. But you're right: others can help her. She has to, however, take responsibility for her own actions before she can change. It's funny how some of us take too much responsibility and others not enough.
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