Lilith: my 'diagnosis' -- which simply means 'gnosis' spontaneously deriving from what _you_ have so openly
dialogically declare -- is that all your talents and gifts (i.e. the 'opportunities' which LIFE
provides you with, for _you_ did not 'make' yourself either 'alive' or 'talented')
mean absolutely nothing to you
because _you_ have become
disconnected and
unrelated and there
is no meaning in LIFE, there
cannot be any meaning in LIFE,
except in relation to and connection with something 'else' - some
other aspect of LIFE or to and with LIFE ITSELF.
Inasmuch as _you_
are disconnected from and so experience
no relationship with LIFE (beyond _your_ 'self', that is), _you_
are 'separated' from experience of God (which is EVERYONE and EVERTHING) and, therefore Heaven (which is the heartfelt experience of deep,
abiding happiness - which is different from easy-come-easy-go 'pleasure'). In other words, _you_
are, that is _your_ 'spirit'
is, in what is euphemistically called Hell.
There are any number of possible 'reasons' why one may end up 'going'
there - where "Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched" - see Mark Ch.9 -
disappointment being the 'worm',
dissatisfaction) being the 'fire'.
In _your_ case, since you are clearly NOT a 'bad' person who has done such 'bad' things that she
can't 'love' herself or be 'loved' by others, my guess is that _your_ 'cut-off' from 'love' is the result of _your_ having been 'traumatized' (think PTSD) by intense 'abuse' --
so _you_ have cut _yourself_ off from 'opening' to
real experience of
any kind of love, 'self' love included, as a kind of pre-emptive 'defense' - which is actually a 'coping mechanism'. That way, you
can't experience being 'let down' and so 'suffer'
additional disappointment, dissatisfaction, emotional pain, anger, frustration, sadness, etc., etc., etc. But such 'coping mechanism', though it can get you through
anything, not longer serves _you_ (or anyone else, for that matter) because it 'cuts you off' from 'love', God's, others', and even your own, which is/are the
only thing(s) that can
heal your bruised and battered 'spirit'. Even suicide will not relieve _you_ from the
feeling-'separate' consequences of such 'cut off'.
My doctor-David prescription: go to an emotional place of deep (complete) 'helplessness' in the above regard, and
from there earnestly yearn, hope and and pray that someone or something, a seen and felt or unseen and unfelt 'spirit', human, angelic, or divine, intercedes in a way which breaks through _your_ defenses, reaches _you_, and draws _you_ 'out' of _yourself_, the 'prison' _you_ are presently emotionally 'locked' in, into
felt-contact and
communion with your 'inner child' (as mentioned by Mi), with others who are both 'worthy' and 'reliable', and ultimately with LIFE ITSELF.
If you need to boost your 'faith' in this regard, remind yourself that 'prayer', which is just
wishful 'intent', yours as well as mine and others here in this case,
is all-powerful,
because existence (GOD?)
is a your-wish-is-my-command 'magical' playground, beautiful and lovable girl-child!
