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Originally Posted by :)14:)
Hi,
A Joyful New Year to Everyone!! 
Could you share your wisdom with me, please?
I've had the paralyzing feeling of being "not good enough", prob. for 1000s of years, plus got the program from family. Now, I was born with a huge desire to accomplish something big, but due to an illness I'm nowhere even where I normally should be.
"Not good enough" is burnt in my aura. How do you heal this program in you when even your environment, and healers reflect this back to you and don't believe in you but rather in people who have great (bardo) life-plans to realize in this life-time, and even communicate this now and then to you? Treat you as less worthy?
And what was my soul's purpose with such a personality vs. such circumstances? |
Hi 14,
I think we can pick the same challenge with different intentions. I’ve been working on this one over on the Superior Mind thread. Superiority is the twin sister of unworthiness (two sides of the same coin), both born of the egoic mind, superiority being the cover response to the underlying feelings of unworthiness.
Couple of thoughts to share.
Regarding the illness, I just read an interesting book by Julia Cannon, entitled Soul Speak that explores what the body is reflecting to us through illness. The body is manifesting beliefs we need to change in order to move forward. The book details specific physical systems and organs, related diseases and disfunctions and what the potential spiritual meanings may be. Very interesting and eye-opening considerations for illness and healing.
Your question on unworthiness I believe is basic to all humans on this plane. Because all of us have to remember who we are and why we came here. I urge us to go deeper into the background on the feelings of unworthiness, because that label is very broad. There are more refined nuances to be understood by breaking it down further. For example, unworthiness, by itself is the feeling of not being deserving. But what does that mean? Is unworthiness the result of guilt? Insignificance? Shame? Something else? What is the cause of unworthiness?
I performed exercises to identify the history of the feeling, starting with what my family believed and taught. If you remember your family’s common sayings and responses to challenges (defeatist, fatalist), then you could probably list the beliefs you were taught. We usually adopt our families’ beliefs unconsciously, and then build on them from our own experiences, especially those experiences we shared with our families. You will discover the impetus of this feeling, and that will give you a good place to start recovery exercises.
As an example, I was an illegitimate child, born in a time when that term made sense to people, born to a high schooler totally unequipped to deal with societal judgment. I bore the family shame, and became a scapegoat of sorts. Because my mother blamed me for ruining her life, the rest of the family adopted this underlying belief, including myself. My identity was I was a ruiner of happiness, a shameful thing, and unrecoverably unworthy to exist. Of course, I did not consciously agree with these feelings. I denied them, but it didn’t change the impact it had in shaping my identity. And I too, saw judgment everywhere I looked and noticed how everyone confirmed my unworthiness.
In order to heal, I began an exercise of intentional release of false beliefs. I keep a journal for this and when I discover a false belief, I write it out, why I believed it, and where it came from. It may have come from my family, or it may have come from an experience I misunderstood. I then write why I know it is not true and perform a releasing meditation to let that belief go. The flip side of this, is identifying what the truth is and write a new statement of belief to replace the released one. It takes time and practice to change false beliefs.
I have come to sincerely appreciate my entry into this world and my childhood experiences. My emotionally harsh environment and sense of separation catapulted me into deep compassion for the abandoned. It drives me to embrace the fringes of society, and hold space for the redemption of the rebellious. My empathy and mercy are evident in my patient insistence on second, third, and fourth chances (much to the chagrin of my colleagues).
You can do this, and remember who you really are. Overcoming your challenges brings you to the opposite benefit that allows you to share your gifts. This unworthiness and the underlying impetus can become the biggest blessing in your life. It is something I wish for you.
Z