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Originally Posted by The Necromancer
Om Swastiastu.
Now, I am going to open my heart right up and explain why it is I cannot see Shiva as 'myself' or in 'cosmic manifestation'.
Ever since I was a small girl of about 5 or 6, I was physically and sexually abused by my father and emotionally abused by my mother. I was totally unloved, unwanted, locked in my room for days...I wasn't allowed to have any friends, no contact with anybody beyond school and I had no friends at school either.
I never learned any of the 'social graces', I never learned how to interact with others...children would stop playing when I showed up...they would refuse to play sport if I was forced to be on their team. I was also bullied by about 30 children to hell and back...bashed, hair pulled, pushed down the stairs, had my bag stolen umpteen times and thrown on the roof of the gym...had my locker trashed constantly...teachers would do nothing.
I was constantly bashed and bullied at school...constantly bashed and bullied when I got home and nobody would listen...nobody would help...I had nobody to talk to, care for me, be my friend...I was traumatised beyond traumatised and night after night I would sob uncontrollably into my pillow...crying..."why was I even born?" I kept asking this over and over...until one night, I got a reply..."you were born for Me to love you" and that was the very first time I heard those words. I became aware of a very dark, potent, masculine energy surrounding me...very overwhelming and a bit scary, but also totally beautiful, amazing and awesome and He soon became my friend...my only friend...my 'invisible friend' lol
When I was 12, I saw the very first 'image' of Shiva and the whole recognition was spontaneous...instantaneous! and all I could say and feel was "It's YOU!" and all I got in reply was "yes".
Then, when I was 14, my family was holidaying in Malaysia, at Batu Caves and I became witness to the festival of Thaipusam...people were self-mutilating in the name of God. I became separated from my family, ending up inside a Shiva temple. I saw Shiva 'in the flesh' (so to speak) and became totally absorbed in Shiva-bliss. After that, all abuse and bullying I received was merely penance in His name.
Thus I started studying Sanskrit, the Vedas and Upanishads, Tantra...and embarked upon this life-long journey.
The 'friend' soon became a 'lover' and I became a full-on Shiva Bhakta.
Aum Namah Shivaya
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I'm so sorry you went through this
I just wanted to say that I relate to your experience in some ways. I had a very isolating childhood; I wasn't physically locked up like you were, but I was emotionally isolated and was tormented by family members. I had no one to talk to. I was bullied all through school and had no friends; kids would laugh at me, refuse to work with me, refuse to have me in their team etc.
I didn't have a direct experience of who I would call God, but otherwise I felt kind of simiilar to you. I wrote prayers a lot, went on my own to church, completed Christian workbooks, and generally felt that God supported me. It brought a great source of comfort during the isolation of those years and it continues to, albeit in a slightly different way and my faith does fluctuate sometimes when my ego takes over.
It is very powerful to feel such a presence when you're otherwise so alone. I admire your conviction in your experiences as they will obviously will carry you through life. My adult life has also been extremely isolating through no fault of my own, and I wonder if this is how it has to be so that God alone will sustain me.
I'm not a Hindu but as I relate I just wanted to reach out I guess.